'Ouroboros' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor

1.Int. Empty pub.

A pair of hands, their owner out of view, push a large cardboard box underneath a zero-gravity pool table. A single word written in black marker pen on the side of the box reads: 'Ouroboros'. The owner of the box leaves without being seen accompanied by a strange 'whooshing' noise. The small leg of a baby can be seen in the box, kicking at its blankets.

A caption appears on screen: ‘THE AIGBURTH ARMS, LIVERPOOL. NOVEMBER 26th, 2155.’

Enter CUSTOMER.

CUSTOMER:
All right? Anyone servin' or what?

BARMAID (OOV):
With you in a minute, luv.

Both speakers have distinct Liverpudlian accents. We hear baby sounds. On hearing the baby fretting, the CUSTOMER walks over to the pool table and discovers the box. He picks it up and finds the baby wrapped in blankets inside. He takes it back to the bar. The BARMAID appears behind the metal grating that seals off the bar area.

BARMAID:
'Ello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?

CUSTOMER:
Look at this. Ah just found it under the pool table.

The barmaid opens a hinged section of the grating and the CUSTOMER passes the box through.

BARMAID:
Any note?

CUSTOMER:
No, not'in'.

BARMAID:
(Peering inside the box) Oh! They've written its name on the side, 'ere. 'Our Rob’, or ‘Ross'.

CUSTOMER:
Yeah, look at the way it's spelt. They must've been thicker than a ticket tout's wad. Couldn't even decide on a name.

BARMAID:
Aw, poor little mite. I wonder what'll become of 'im? Som'thin' terrible, no doubt...


2.Int. Starbug sleeping quarters.

LISTER appears to be giving himself a hygiene overhaul. Tufts of cotton wool protrude from his ears, presumably to soak excess ear wax; shaving foam covers the right-hand side of his face and in one hand he holds a razor which he runs down his jaw-line while brushing his teeth with his other hand. This completed to his satisfaction, LISTER picks up a pair of cooking tongs and, fully anticipating agony, pulls out an overtly protruding nasal hair. He winces.

LISTER:
I hate doin' that. I hate doin' that.

Suddenly a sneeze overtakes him, and something is blasted out of his mouth to tinkle and lose itself against the bathroom equipment.

LISTER:
Smeg! I've just sneezed out my cap!

KRYETN arrives, acrrying a washing basket and fresh bedclothes.

KRYTEN:
Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.

LISTER:
Kryten, something terrible's happenned: I've lost my cap.

KRYTEN pulls out LISTER's deerstalker from his washing basket.

KRYTEN:
No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.

LISTER:
My tooth cap... the one you made from the skeleton in the medi-bay.

KRYTEN:
Oh, I see.

LISTER glances around the floor.

LISTER:
Heyy, here it is. I need some glue to stick it in; I've just got that needle-y, pointy thing. I look disgusting.

KRYTEN:
Let me see -

LISTER:
No, no.I look all needle-y, pointy and disgusting.

KRYTEN:
Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness' sake. I won't be revolted no matter how you look.

LISTER:
Okay.

KRYTEN:
Oh my god, it's hideous!

KRYTEN unexpectedly lets out a high pitched giggle.

LISTER:
Yes, yes, very funny. Just fix it.

KRYTEN:
It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.

LISTER:
Oh, gimme some wood glue. You can re-do it in the mornin'.

KRYTEN:
Wood glue? Are you sure, sir? I don't want you to get your lips glued together, now be careful!

LISTER turns to the mirror and slathers glue over his 'needle-y, pointy thing' before sticking his cap back into place.

KRYTEN:
Oh, incidentally, I just found some old clothes in one of the storage lockers.

KRYTEN takes out a pair of fluffy bunny slippers from his basket, placing them on the table, and holds up a very pink, very frilly, very ladies dressing gown.

LISTER:
Eyyyy, I need a dressing gown.

KRYTEN:
Well, that's what I thought. I thought if I remove the trim, and let it out a little bit, obviously dye it, well I think it could be just dandy.

LISTER allows KRYTEN to help him put on the gown over his shirt.

LISTER:
Yeah, nice one, Kryts.

KRYTEN:
Oh, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir?

LISTER stands with his arms outstretched and KRYTEN begins to take measurements with a tape measure.

LISTER:
I wonder why guys have nostril hair.

KRYTEN:
I think its nature's way of telling you its time to buy a flat cap and a pair of driving gloves, sir.

LISTER:
Worst, are those guys who just let it grow. They look like they've got, like, half a loo-brush lodged up each nostril. They look like those machines that shine your shoes.

KRYTEN:
Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted. Obviously I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.

LISTER:
Hey, it evens itself out, doesn't it. Women have the agony of childbirth and we have… (He gestures with his tongs and snaps them together) ...this.

LISTER yanks another stray hair from his nice and winces.

LISTER:
They don't know they're born! They don't!

LISTER picks up a pack of dental floss and begins to clean his front teeth. After a moment, his sideways motion suddenly stops. He tugs for a moment, alarmed, before realisation dawns.

LISTER:
What is wrong with me? Now I've got a box of floss attached to my face!

CAT arrives, takes in LISTER’s dressing gown, cotton wool ears, and dental floss arrangement.

CAT:
Heyyy... nice outfit.

LISTER:
Did you come in 'ere for a reason?

CAT:
Oh yeah! Something's showing up on the long range scan which is weird with a capital 'we'.

LISTER:
Can you be a tad more scientific?

CAT:
Come again?

KRYTEN:
Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?

CAT:
At this early stage I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool! Come see for yourself.

He leaves.

LISTER takes the slippers from the table and begins to put them on.

LISTER:
'Wibbly thing', or 'swirly thing', and he refuses to commit himself... He's losing it, he really is.

They leave.


3.Int. Starbug cockpit,

KRYTEN, CAT and LISTER are at their stations.

KRYTEN:
It's some kind of power surge that's causing a major disturbance in the fabric of space/time.

CAT:
It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants!

LISTER:
It's almost like a tear...

KRYTEN:
Perhaps a temporal rift?

CAT:
I'm gonna turn this tub around a try to out-run it.

LISTER:
Get real, man. That thing out there's going faster than a copy of 'Hello' in a nunnery.

KRYTEN:
Suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir, and head straight for the 'eye of the storm'.

CAT:
Pshhh!

LISTER:
Go for it, man. The eye of the storm.

There is much shaking and buffetting.

KRYTEN:
We seem to be through the worst of it! But I'm picking up some kind of subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.


4.Int. Starbug engineering deck.

A dark and quiet corridor, where one section of the side wall is now a shimmering, pulsating wall of blue light. LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN arrive.

KRYTEN:
According to the psi-scan, the membrane between two realities has temporarily collapsed. This is some kind of 'hyperway', through non-space to a parallel dimension.

LISTER:
Let's have a goosey...

LISTER steps tentatively into the hyperway, followed by KRYTEN and CAT.


5.Int. Within the Hyperway.

The Boys walk slowly along a ethereal blue tunnel, seemingly constructed of misty azure laser light. It manages to convey a suggestion of being structurally unsound, giving slightly beneath the weight of their steps. CAT’s foot tears through the base of the hyperway, and KRYTEN grabs his arm and pulls him up. Revealed beyond is an inky blackness beneath filled with fast-flowing ribbons of mist.

KRYTEN:
Careful, sir. The linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver who's got stuck behind two old priest in a Skoda.

CAT:
What the hell is that?

KRYTEN:
'Non-space', sir. An abyss of infinite nothingness, where time doesn't seem to exist.

LISTER:
Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night...


6.Int. Within the Hyperway.

From the opposite end of the Way, three figures step into view. There is a PARALLEL KRYTEN identical but for a gold body shell; a PARALLEL CAT, immaculately dressed and aloof; and a PARALLEL LISTER, smartly dressed, self-assured, and....

PARALLEL LISTER:
How's it going?

LISTER:
You're a hologram...

PARALLEL LISTER:
Hard light.

LISTER:
So, in your dimension LISTER died?

PARALLEL LISTER:
In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.

LISTER:
Well, why didn't you get put into stasis like me? What happened?

PARALLEL LISTER:
Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas..?

LISTER:
I'd taken a couple'a days off to get over Kochanski. Yeah, I remember...


7.Int. Red Dwarf customs area.

Flashback: RIMMER is standing in an embarkation corridor in a Red Dwarf customs area, pre-accident.

RIMMER stands at the end of the corridor, close to the customs desk. He is peering down the corridor, out of shot, and holds a recognition card marked "Smeg head".

LISTER arrives pushing a trolley before him piled with bags.

RIMMER:
Where the hell have you been? I've reported you as A.W.O.L.

LISTER:
I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message?

RIMMER:
You're supposed to apply to a superior officer before you get shore leave, Lister.

LISTER:
Look, give me a break. Ever since Kochanski split up with me I've needed some time on my own, okay?

RIMMER:
Kochanski dumped you?

LISTER:
Yeah.

RIMMER:
She really dumped you?

LISTER:
Yes!

RIMMER:
But you didn't tell me! You should have told me! Are you really heartbroken?

LISTER:
I dunno, I dunno.

RIMMER:
You are, aren't you!

LISTER:
Okay, yes! Yes!

RIMMER:
Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division? Take her: navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps., well-spoken, can stay awake during operas, knows her cheeses. She's class. And you? What are you? I don't mean to sound cruel but in comparison you're scum. And second-rate scum, at that.

LISTER:
I used to be fourth-rate scum. I've dragged meself up by my bootsraps, bub. LISTER heads off; RIMMER trails behind, trying to get LISTER’s attention.

RIMMER:
Listy - Listy.

LISTER stops outside his locker.

RIMMER:
Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's someone who drinks ‘Campari and soda’ and wears orange crotchless panties; someone who thinks ‘Deely-Boppers’ are funny; someone who says 'sumfink' instead of something, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to a cement mixer.

LISTER:
This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce...

RIMMER:
Oh, ha ha.

LISTER:
Rimmer, people who say 'ha ha' have no sense of humour, they just can't think of a witty retort.

RIMMER:
(A beat) Oh, ha ha.

RIMMER moves to walk away.

Enter KOCHANSKI. She looks pensive, and approaches LISTER slowly. RIMMER spots her and smarms up, his introduction attracting LISTER’s attention, much to KOCHANSKI's chagrin.

RIMMER:
Ah, Ms Kochanski , ma'am. I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a new Space Corps. salute? It's just, I'm trying to get the support of the officers to have it replace the conventional one. I don't want to pressure you but it is rather important, because if you like it, that brings the overall total of officers who are right behind it up to... one.

KOCHANSKI:
Rimmer?

RIMMER:
Yes, ma'am?

KOCHANSKI:
Have sex with someone and that's an order.

RIMMER:
Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

LISTER:
'Ere:

LISTER digs a card out of his pocket and hands it to RIMMER.

LISTER:
Ring this number, say I sent ya, tell 'em it's an emergency.

Flustered, RIMMER leaves.

KOCHANSKI:
Hi.

LISTER:
Mmm.

KOCHANSKI:
I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry... for the 'Dear John'. It was cowardly.

LISTER acts as if he doesn't understand.

LISTER:
Oh, that! Sorry, I'd completely forgot. It seems like years ago.

KOCHANSKI:
It was last week...

LISTER:
Was it?

KOCHANSKI:
Mm-hmm.

LISTER:
Must've got over it - (Snaps his fingers) - just like that.

KOCHANSKI:
Oh come on, Dave! It's just, we weren't going anywhere!

LISTER:
How could we? We never got out of bed.

KOCHANSKI:
Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk, eating delivery curries and having fantastic sex.

LISTER:
Frankly, I find that very hard to believe...

KOCHANSKI:
I just wanted to see if we could be friends...

LISTER:
Do you mean give it another go?

KOCHANSKI:
No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now.

LISTER:
Tim?? That guy is such a poser! The way he always wears that white suit and that big white floppy hat...

KOCHANSKI:
He's a chef!

LISTER:
Yeeaahhh, but the way he always poses around, in the officers club, smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phoney.

A mewing sound is heard, and a small black cat pokes it head out from LISTER’s shirt.

KOCHANSKI:
Do you know what you'll get for smuggling a cat on board?

LISTER:
What, cat-martialed?

KOCHANSKI:
I'm serious! As serving N.O. I'm supposed to report this!

LISTER:
So report it, I'll only go into stasis for six months.

KOCHANSKI:
Don't you know how dangerous it is to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?

LISTER:
I was lonely. I'd just been dumped by my girlfriend...

KOCHANSKI:
It breaks every reg. in the manual...


8.Int. Waste disposal area.

A dingy area of the ship decorated with gloomy paint-work and large industrial machinery. KOCHANSKI enters, and stops at the small door of a machine labelled 'Disintegrator', and opens it. She puts the cat into the unit, closes the door and taps commands into the console. Gazing at the cat as the unit begins to power up, she relents at the last moment, opens the door and takes out the moggy.

KOCHANSKI:
(Holding the feline up to her face) Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, okay?


8.Int. Inside the Hyperway.

The present. We are once more withing the shimming blue linkway.

LISTER:
So you didn't get put into stasis, and died with the rest of the crew..?

PARALLEL LISTER:
Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.

LISTER:
So what happened to Kochanski

PARALLEL LISTER:
They found the cat, and she got six months in stasis.

LISTER:
Does that mean...

KOCHANSKI appears; like LISTER, she has changed somewhat since her days on board Red Dwarf Rather than cling to the Space Corps and her Officer's status, the PARRALL KOCHANSKI is dressed for action. Her dark, shoulder-length hair is arranged and fastened atop her head, and she wears a shiny, tight-fitting red cat-suit. LISTER, suddenly acutely aware of his own wardrobe, attempts to smarten himself up, finally settling for looping his dangling strands of floss back behind his ears.

KOCHANSKI:
Hi.

LISTER:
You look great!

KOCHANSKI:
You look pretty amazing yourself... (looks him up and down) So in this dimension you didn't die? You're an alternate version of Dave...

LISTER:
Well, I like to think of myself as the definitive version, y'know? Honed to perfection by time and evolution.

KOCHANSKI:
(re-evaluating LISTER) I can see why you think that, yeah.

KRYTEN:
Sirs, er, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours before the dimensional tear self-repairs and we loose the linkway. I suggest we might spend some of that time exchanging supplies and information.

PARALLEL LISTER:
We could update your hydrogen ram-drive to a tachyon-powered engine core?

CAT:
And in return, maybe we could unscrew all those old pickle jars you can't open!

KOCHANSKI:
There is something you could do for us...

LISTER:
Yeah?

KOCHANSKI:
At some point I want to have children. It's a slightly pervy thing to ask, especially seeing as we've only just met, but perhaps you could -

LISTER:
Yeah..?

KOCHANSKI:
After all, we've been... y'know, lovers... Perhaps you could -

LISTER:
Yeah??

KOCHANSKI:
(She holds up a small double chambered bottle) Fill this up. It's a self- gamet-mixing in-vitro tube. I'm... already in there; it just needs your... contribution.

LISTER:
So it worked out for you guys, then.

KOCHANSKIand the PARALLEL LISTER loop arms around each other.

LISTER:
(Bitterly) Congratulations.

Before anything further can be said, a sudden explosion rocks the flimsy linkway, almost knocking those present off their feet. KRYTEN frantically taps commands into his Psi-scanner.

KRYTEN:
Gelf ship! Somehow they've managed to infiltrate non-space!

A second shot fired by the Gelfs impacts upon the linkway, and the explosion rips it in two. The ragged ends are separated by a distance of a dozen feet or so. KOCHANSKI loses her balance and falls, but manages to grab the strap of a box carried by the PARALLEL LISTER and placed on the bottom of the tunnel. The PARALLEL LISTER dives on the box to stop her dragging her support away with her, and stretches his arm down into non-space.

PARALLEL LISTER:
Chris! Give me your hand!

LISTER:
(To Kryten) Hang on to m' feet, man!

He drops to the base of the linkway and lies prone, then shuffles his body down over the lip of the tear, reaching out to the struggling KOCHANSKI.

CAT:
(Looks at the box's strap) It's gonna give!

Suddenly inspired, LISTER plays out his dental floss, and KOCHANSKI grabs it and LISTER, wincing with the strain, hauls her up and onto the his side of the rift. Just as she reaches safety, the Gelfs launch a third salvo and the tunnel begins to shake itself apart. A third explosion knocks everyone to the ground, and knocking KOCHANSKI unconscious. The two crews are forced back into their respective ships, as the link between their two dimensions is lost....


9.Int. Starbug Medi-bay.

KOCHANSKI is unconscious on the medi-bay's bed, with LISTER hovering anxiously over her. Her eyes flutter open, and she wraps her arms LISTER and pulls him close to her.

KOCHANSKI:
I thought I'd lost you!

LISTER:
I think you've mistaken -

KOCHANSKI:
Shh!

She pulls LISTER closer and kisses him. After a long moment, she lets him go.

KOCHANSKI:
You were saying?

LISTER:
Forget it...

Without encouragement this time, LISTER enjoys another kiss. KRYTEN enters.

KRYTEN:
Oh dear! Er, sir, I think, er, Miss Kochanski's under the delusion that you're -

LISTER:
Er, not now, Kryten, man.

KRYTEN:
But you don't understand me, sir, you see Miss Kochanski thinks that you're -

LISTER:
I can handle it, okay! Now go and make some sweet tea or something!

KRYTEN:
Permission to speak, sir?

LISTER:
(Muffled by another passionate kiss) Permission refused!

Abruptly, KOCHANSKI breaks off the kiss and pushes LISTER back.

KOCHANSKI:
Wait a minute... this isn't the medi-bay...

LISTER:
I think you must have mistaken me for your Lister...

KRYTEN:
Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir!

LISTER:
Were you!?

KRYTEN:
If only you'd listened to me, I could have saved you from all that yukkiness.

KOCHANSKI:
(Disgust) Is that the kind of guy you are? Someone who'd take advantage of a woman who's half-insensible??

LISTER:
I was gonna tell you, honestly! But they always told me in school it's rude to talk with your mouth full.

KOCHANSKI:
Wait, you mean I'm stuck here with you? Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space?? No way! I've got to get that linkway back!

A large explosion rocks Starbug.

LISTER:
It's not exactly possible at the moment, we're under attack.

they head for the cockpit.


10.Int. Starbug cockpit.

CAT is at the helm. KRYTEN, LISTER and KOCHANSKI enter.

CAT:
It's back on our tail!

LISTER:
What is it?

CAT:
Some Gelf battle cruiser.

A piece of paper suddenly spews forth from a printer; on it is a picture of a particularly hideous, hairy Gelf. KRYTEN tears it off.

KRYTEN:
They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.

LISTER:
Oh my god, it's the missus.

KOCHANSKI:
The what?

KRYTEN:
Mister Lister's Gelf bride.

CAT:
We all went to the wedding, it was just beautiful.

KOCHANSKI:
He married this??

CAT:
He had to.

KOCHANSKI:
You mean..?

KOCHANSKI mimes a pregnant stomach.

LISTER:
We were in a bit of a fix! We needed an engine part!

KOCHANSKI:
You should visit the orang-utan house at London zoo sometime, your eyes'd be out on stalks!

KRYTEN:
Wait! They're opening comms channels - er, sir? They're demanding you return to your bride. In Gelf law, seperation is impossible without special dispensation from hhakk-akhhaak-kkhhak, hhakh-hhakhkhkahak-hkaahkahk-hkhk. Chief Justice of hakhakhk-aahkahkh-hkhakkhaakhaaakah-akkk-hhakaaaak-kak-akk-hakkakak.

KOCHANSKI:
Okay, patch me in to the NCN and I'll lay down an S-S line.

CAT:
You'll what, officer B-B?

KOCHANSKI:
Quadrant four-niner-two, stroke G-eight-seven, moving across to quadrant two to Q-four-one stroke nine. Just, follow my co-ords.

CAT:
Your cords?

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah, my co-ords.

CAT:
You want me to follow your cords??

KOCHANSKI:
Is that a problem?

CAT:
Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you..?

KOCHANSKI:
Co-ordinates...

CAT:
Co-ordinates! Thank you!

The CREW get their act together, and KOCHANSKI leads them down to the surface of an ice planet where CAT begins to Pilot Starbug through the glaciers, the Gelf cruiser hot in pursuit along behind them.

KOCHANSKI:
Twenty degrees starboard from this next burg... They're right on our tails. Hold this line... keep holding... keep holding... lift now!

CAT yanks the control yoke backwards and Starbug's snub nose lifts itself, and the rest of the ship, upwards and clear of the glacial wall they were heading for. The Gelf ship, with it's extra bulk and lack of manoeuvrability, crashes headlong into the glacier.

CAT:
Really snazzy!


11.Int. Starbug sleeping quarters.

LISTER is joined by KRYTEN, whose general attitude and short, heavy movements, show that he is obviously agitated about something.

KRYTEN:
Still no sign of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. We're fast running out of time.

LISTER:
I know. It's good, isn't it!

KRYTEN:
No, sir. I don't believe it is.

LISTER:
What, don't you like her?

KRYTEN:
I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a... bossy old trollop she is! She knew that was you all along, sir! She was merely trying you out to compare you with her Mister Lister. Pshaw! Apparently, he's quite something. Initially a soft light hologram, that's made him 'sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't'.

LISTER:
What, you mean he can remember anniversaries and stay awake for several seconds after sex?

KRYTEN:
He's 'every woman's dream guy', sir. He even enjoys shopping for shoes!

LISTER:
Jesus...

KRYTEN:
A human male, who's prepared to have in-depth discussions about... relationships...

LISTER:
Eurgh!

KRYTEN:
We're talking about someone about someone 'quite exceptional' here, sir.

LISTER:
Where does that leave me?

KRYTEN:
Well that leaves you trying to help me get her back to her rightful ship. She can't stay here, sir. She just can't!

LISTER:
Kryten, man, are you okay?

KRYTEN:
I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her! (He's on the verge of bursting into tears)

LISTER:
Why's that so terrible?

KRYTEN:
She's gonna take you away from me, I just know it!

LISTER:
What??

KRYTEN:
I took her a glass of milk while she was showering... I've seen her naked!

LISTER:
So?

KRYTEN:
She's got all those 'in and out' bits that you like...

LISTER:
Kryten, no matter what happens, you and me, we're compadres. Amigos.

KRYTEN:
But that's all going to change if she stays! You'll end up liking her more!

LISTER:
I won't.

KRYTEN:
You will!

LISTER:
I won't!

KRYTEN:
You will!

LISTER:
I won't! I won't! I won't!

KRYTEN:
You promise?

LISTER:
I promise.

KRYTEN:
So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said "Oh, make love to me, you horny dude", and I said, "oh, perhaps you'd prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?" What would you do?

LISTER:
(A beat) What kind of sheets would they be?

KRYTEN:
Well, those nice cotton ones with the pattern.

LISTER:
What, blue stripey ones or the green square ones?

KRYTEN:
The green square ones.

LISTER:
So, it's making love to Kochanski, or folding sheets with you? (Another beat) Can I do final fold and stack?

KRYTEN:
Absolutely.

LISTER:
Well it'd be the sheets, then.

KRYTEN:
Oh! She's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all inny and outy?

LISTER:
It'll be the sheets, Kryt. You and me. Hospital corners.

KRYTEN:
Really?

LISTER:
Too true.

KRYTEN:
(A beat) You're lying!! You're just trying to make me feel better! Ohh! Why can't she be more like Mister Rimmer? He was perfect! He didn't have any in-and-out bits, hardly at all.

LISTER:
There's no one I care more about than you, okay!

KRYTEN:
I'd never dump you like she did! Never!

LISTER:
It's not gonna change.

KRYTEN:
Never?

LISTER:
Never.

KRYTEN:
(A beat) You're lying!!

LISTER:
I'm not lying!!

KRYTEN:
Yes you are! I'm gong to end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5!

LISTER:
You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you ended up on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nevertheless...

KRYTEN:
But what about before that? it was the same on the SS Augustus.

LISTER:
They all died of old age!

KRYTEN:
You see!?!


12.Model shot.

Starbug in space.


13.Int. Starbug Cockpit..

CAT and KCOHANSKI are at stations. KRYTEN enters.

KRYTEN:
I thought I'd, er, lend a hand and see if I could help you get out of here.

KOCHANSKI:
I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace but I still can't re-establish the linkway. I'm sure it's something to do with electro-magnetic phasing frequencies.

CAT:
You took the words right out of my mouth!

KRYTEN:
Have you tried inverting the signal?

KOCHANSKI:
We'll need a power re-route in the auxiliary power drives.

CAT:
I'll take care of that! ... Whatever it is.

She leaves.

KRYTEN:
It's the, er, big red button, there, sir.

KRYTEN presses the button for CAT. CAT presses the button off, then on again.

CAT:
(Calling back to KOCHASNKI) Hey, officer Butt-Babe, about that power simillililillum-inuminim drive? Taken care of.


14.Int. Starbug mid-section.

KOCHASNKI present, working at a portable terminal. KRYTEN enters and sits at a second terminal. They work in awkward silence for a few moments.

KOCHANSKI:
(Pensively) You don't like me, do you?

KRYTEN:
Ma'am?

KOCHANSKI:
You don't, do you?

KRYTEN:
Ma'am, I think it'd be more efficient if we spent our energies trying to re-establish the linkway.

KOCHANSKI:
But why -

KRYTEN:
Please!

KOCHANSKI:
I mean -

KRYTEN:
Ma'am!

KOCHANSKI:
I need to know why!

KRYTEN:
Do you indeed?

KOCHANSKI:
Yes.

KRYTEN:
Well, you're not good enough for him! That's all. Okay, he may walk around smelling like a Balti house laundry basket, but he doesn't need the likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow, and bewitching him with all your... in-and-out bits. All pointy and unnecessary!

KOCHANSKI:
(A beat) You've got big problems, you know that, don't you?

KRYTEN:
Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk. Unlike some people.

KOCHANSKI:
Ha. Have you seen the way you walk??

She gets up and stomps to the galley, legs flailing.

KRYTEN:
I have a perfectly sensible walk! At least I don't walk like this: (he performs an exaggerated female walk, his hips swinging and his arms held out delicately)

Before KOCHANSKI can retort, KRYTEN's terminal suddenly beeps.

KOCHANSKI:
(Peering at screen.) Phaser frequency 434.we've got it back!

KRYTEN:
What? You're right, that's it!

KOCHANSKI:
I can leave!

KRYTEN:
You can leave!

They high-five, before remembering they dislike each other.


15.Int. Starbug mid-section.

KRYTEN, CAT and KOCHANSKI are here.

KRYTEN:
Champagne, everyone! if this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know what does!

CAT:
What are we celebrating exactly?

KRYTEN:
You've found your crewmates at last. How wonderful!

KOCHANSKI:
(Wryly). Thanks, Kryten...

KRYTEN:
I must go and find the others.


16.Int. Gantry within Starbug.

LISTER holds out the small in-vitro tube to KOCHANSKI.

LISTER:
This is for you. Just pop that in the uterine simulator in your medi-lab and... bingo.

KOCHANSKI:
Wow...

LISTER:
Our child...

KOCHANSKI:
I'll... you know.

LISTER:
I know.

KOCHANSKI:
As soon as it's old enough I'll tell it all about you -

LISTER:
Just make it understand why I'm not there, I don't want it ending up like me.

KOCHANSKI:
What happened to you was really rough. The pool table, no note, no explanation...

LISTER:
I think that's why I spent most of my early life drifting, y'know? I didn't have anything to look to cos I didn't know who I was, where I came from. Just those two names they couldn't decide on calling me; 'Rob' or 'Ross'.

KOCHANSKI:
Well... I'll look after it. You know I will.

LISTER:
Yeah, I know.

They move to kiss.

Enter KRYTEN, who interposes himself between them to get to the gantry railing.

KRYTEN:
Excuse me, sir; just doing a spot of dusting here...


17.Int. Starbug cargo bay.

KOCHANSKI:
Look, this is probably a long shot but if we can hit the right settings it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.

She hands LISTER a palm-size device, similar to a mobile phone.

LISTER:
See ya...

KOCHANSKI:
Bye.

She leaves.

KRYTEN and CAT arrive carrying boxes.

LISTER:
What's this?

CAT:
Supplies from Butt-Babe's ship.

LISTER:
No, this

LISTER indicates a marking on the top of a box.

KRYTEN:
Well, it's the symbol for 'infinity', sir. The snake, eating it's own tail and thus completing the everlasting circle of life that has no beginning or end.

LISTER:
What's it doing on 'ere?

KRYTEN:
The crate used to contain batteries, sir. Ouroboros batteries; everlasting.

LISTER:
Ourobo-what??

KRYTEN:
Ouroboros, sir.it's the name of the symbol.

CAT:
What is it, bud?

LISTER:
Ouroboros... It wasn't 'Our Rob or Ross', it was Ouroboros..!

CAT:
What was?

LISTER:
The message that was written on the side of my box!

CAT:
You came in a box? That explains everything.

LISTER:
I know who my parents are... I know who I am... I understand, now!

KRYTEN:
Explain, sir!?

LISTER:
The in-vitro tube, the one that Kochanski’s got. The frozen embryo - it's me! At some point after the baby's born we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table at the ‘Aigburth Arms’. We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain! I'm my own father... and Chris is my ex-girlfriend and my mum!

CAT:
You should write a letter to ‘Playboy’, bud. I bet you anything it'd get printed.

LISTER:
I've gotta get that test tube back.

Exit LISTER.


18.Int. The Hyperway.

The PARALLEL LISTER, PARALLEL KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI are here. LISTER runs to catch them up.

LISTER:
Mum! Wait!

KOCHANSKI:
What?

LISTER:
I need the in-vitro tube! It's me!

The PARALLEL CREW are too far away to hear properly. KOCHANSKI walks back along the Hyperway.

KOCHANSKI:
It's what??

KRYTEN and CAT arrive. Without warning, the Linkway shakes violently.

KRYTEN:
The Gelfs are back!

We cut to non-space and see that the Gelf ship has tracked down the CREW and is doing all in its power to break the trans-dimensional connection. It fires a second shot and the tortured linkway shudders and tears apart, again stranding the KOCHANSKI in the wrong dimension. Setting her sights on the ragged ledge of the linkway that floats temptingly just feet away, she shrugs off her jacket and unclips her heavy belt.

LISTER:
What are you doing?

KOCHANSKI:
I'm gonna jump!

With that, she springs forward and sprints for the tear.

CAT:
You'll never make it!

LISTER:
Chris, no!!

KOCHANSKI takes a wild leap, fingers stretching for the lip of the linkway. Spread almost flat, she falls short by mere centimetres and plummets into the blackness of non-space.

PARALLEL LISTER:
Christine!!

KRYTEN:
We've lost her, sir.

LISTER:
No. No!

PARALLEL LISTER:
Christine!!

LISTER's communicator suddenly bleeps. He fumbles it out.

LISTER:
Yeah?

KOCHANSKI:
(In mic..) Hi, it's me.

LISTER:
Hi -

KOCHANSKI.
(In mic..) I've decided to stay; just, one proviso -

LISTER:
Yeah?

KOCHANSKI:
(In mic..) Save my life, okay?


19.Int. Starbug cargo bay

LISTER<, CAT and KRYTEN burst into the cargo stores and tearing lids off containers as quickly as possible.

LISTER:
(Into communicator) Cargo bay; looking now!

LISTER pulls a weapon of some kind out of a box.

LISTER:
(To KRYTEN) What's this??

KRYTEN:
It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kochanski's ship, sir.

LISTER:
A crossbow?

KRYTEN:
I thought it might come in handy next time we run into your wife.

Behind them, CAT pulls out several lengths of rope from another box.

KOCHANSKI:
(In mic) You've got about twenty seconds before I'm out of reach!

CAT:
Rope?

LISTER grabs the crossbow and rope.

LISTER:
Yes! Yes! Yes!

He runs off.


20. Int. The Hyperway.

KOCHANSKI:
(In mic..) I'm getting a mite panicky, here..!

LISTER, CAT and KRYTEN arrive. LISTER runs to the lip of the Hyperway and drops to his knees. He attaches the rope to a crossbow bolt and takes careful aim through the telescopic sight. Sweat beading on his brow, his finger tenses; he knows that he only has one chance. He pulls the trigger, and the bolt hurls itself into the abyss. The pile of rope uncoils with dizzying speed as the bolt arcs through the blackness, until it embeds itself solidly, clear through KOCHANSKI's right thigh.

KOCHANSKI:
Aaarg!

She gasps in agony and stares at the bolt protruding through both sides of her leg.

KOCHANSKI:
Bastard!

As LISTER struggles with the rope, his communicator bleeps. KRYTEN takes it from his pocket, and listens, his eyes widening.

KRYTEN:
It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.


21.Int. Starbug medi-bay.

KRYTEN:
I've brought you a drink, but don't think for one minute it means I've gone all mushy on you.

KOCHANSKI:
I'm gonna get up, and work out a way of re-establishing that linkway.

KRYTEN:
It's too late ma'am, the rift's self-repaired...

His voice again becomes tearful and high-pitched.

KRYTEN:
We're stuck with you!

KOCHANSKI:
I'm gonna try, anyway.

KOCHANSKI slides off the bed awkwardly, and pads over to the door. Standing, KRYTEN sees that the back of her gown has got fastened in the waistband of her knickers.

KRYTEN:
Oh, ma'am -

KOCHANSKI:
Yes, Kryten?

KRYTEN:
(He hestitates.) Welcome aboard...

KOCHANSKI:
(Smiles gratefully) Thanks, Kryten.


22.Int. An empty pub.

Enter LISTER, holding a cardboard box in which is a baby, wrapped in blankets.

LISTER:
For a long time, you'll think that you were abandoned, but you weren't, man. You were put here to create a paradox, an unbreakable circle. With us going 'round and 'round in time, the human race can never become extinct. We're like... a kind of 'holding pattern'. I'll see ya, son.

Quietly, LISTER approaches an anti-grav pool table and, bending down, gently slides the box underneath. He leaves.


Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Anett (Kochanski), Gary Bleasdale (Frank), Juliet Griffiths (Barmaid), Adrienne Posta (Flight Announcer), Alexander John-Jules (Baby Lister)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 31st January 1997

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Cat, Kryten, and re-introducing Christine Kochanski