(Part 2)
by Doug Naylor
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'Pete' (Part 2) by Doug Naylor |
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Caption "Last time on Red Dwarf"
RECAP SEQUENCE
1 - Int. Cargo Bay
Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyrannosaurus Rex towers above the amazed humans, who begin back-peddling.
LISTER:
Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from??
KRYTEN:
From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!
The T-Rex advances…
CAT:
There's an old CAT saying, which has particular relevance here; it goes something like this: "we are all gonna die."
Still without his glasses, BIRDMAN suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's smooth central claw.
BIRDMAN:
Pete? Is that you, Pete?
KOCHANSKI:
Birdman!
Finding his glasses at last, BIRDMAN realises there are some serious problems of scale going on. He looks up, and up, and up. Pete stares back, pauses, then sneezes over BIRDMAN.
RIMMER:
Gezundtheit!
BIRDMAN:
You want some seed..?
Pete roars, and the Dwarfers wince as the T-Rex leans down, jaws wide.
BIRDMAN:
(Inside the T-Rex’s mouth) That's a 'no' then, is it?
A pair of boots with stumps of legs in them hit the deck.
KRYTEN:
What now, sir?
RIMMER:
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!
RIMMER runs off to the left, while the other leg it off right. A second later, RIMMER runs after them, as the T-Rex stalks after them. KRYTEN tries to attract the attention of the T-Rex away from the others by waving at it.
KRYTEN:
Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here! Bob! Bob, catch!
KRYTEN throws the TIme Wand to the SKUTTER, who catches it in its claw. The T-Rex heads for Bob.
LISTER:
Bob!
The T-Rex swallows the robot whole.
KRYTEN:
Bob!
LISTER:
Come on Kryten, hurry up!
3 - Int. T-Rex’s stomach
Inside Pete, BOB the SKUTTER breaks the surface of a vat of stomach acids, waggling his empty claw momentarily, BOB lowers himself into the depths once more.
4 - Int. Cargo Bay
LISTER holds open the large food bay doors long enough for KRYTEN to dash through, then seals them closed. PETE bashes his head against the doors, and they buckle as if made of rubber.
KRYTEN:
‘Leg it mode’, sir!
They join the other, who are hiding behind barrels in a storage area, all except RIMMER, who is cowering under some plastic sheeting.
LISTER:
We've lost the time wand.
CAT:
How the hell're we going to get rid of that thing now?
RIMMER:
We're finished!
LISTER:
Stop yelling, man, we've gotta think our way out of this.
RIMMER:
We're finished!
LISTER:
Shut up and get a grip, man!
RIMMER:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just - I was - Look, I'm better now. Can I just say one thing?
LISTER:
Yeah, go on.
RIMMER:
We're finished!
LISTER:
Holl, we need some advice, man. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in it's stomach. What's your take on the situation?
HOLLY:
(On watch screen) What do you want, the long or the short version?
LISTER:
Ooh... long.
HOLLY:
(On watch screen) You're finished.
CAT:
What's the short version?
HOLLY:
(On watch screen) 'Bye.
KOCHANSKI:
Kryten?
KRYTEN:
Er, yes, ma'am?
KOCHANSKI:
How long, in the normal course of things, will it take for Pete to pass the Time Wand out of his system?
KRYTEN:
Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my database. My programmers, for some insane reason, believed that 'dinosaur bowel movement frequency' tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!
LISTER:
Why? What's your suggestion?
KOCHANSKI:
Well, the quicker we get the Time Wand back, the better, right?
LISTER:
Right.
KOCHANSKI:
Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the food bay and get him to eat some roughage!
CAT:
Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?
KOCHANSKI:
Yeah! ‘All-Bran’, prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.
RIMMER:
We can't even get Lister to eat that sort of stuff, let alone a seven-ton dinosaur!
KOCHANSKI:
Look, the more roughage, the quicker we get the Time Wand back. Have you got any better ideas?
RIMMER:
Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself.
The door continues to buckle under the T-Rex attack.
LISTER:
We've gotta keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.
RIMMER:
Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon! Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.
KRYTEN:
But, sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different time stream. Now, if we can recapture the Time Wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires, no one need be any the wiser.
CAT:
He's right. I just listened to everything he said and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.
The door continues to buckle under the T-Rex attack.
5 - Int. T-Rex
SKUTTER BOB presses buttons on the Time Wand and unfreezes the crew.
6 - Int. Cargo Bay
CAT is at the controls of a JMC fork-lift truck, and KRYTEN shouts directions. Our heroes have converted a huge, bright yellow, inflatable dinghy into a temporary food bowl with 'D I N O' scrawled on the side, which is full to the brim with an unappetisingly brown, watery substance, on which cabbage leaves float.
KRYTEN:
Right over, sir. We don't want a gap. Right over.
CAT throws a lever, and the fork-lift lowers a frozen whole cow slowly into the mixture.
RIMMER:
Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.
LISTER:
Of course it's gonna work.
RIMMER:
T-Rex's don't like curry.
LISTER:
They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries. If a T-Rex was a bloke he'd be a Geordie. The kind of guy who wears t-shirts in the middle of winter and his nipples don't even get hard.
The cow is almost completely in the bowl, with just its hooves visible.
RIMMER:
A seven-ton Theropod is not going to eat Indian food. They like flesh. Preferably living, liberally coated in blood with a side-order of intestines, and an extra portion of blood. A bit like the French in that respect.
LISTER:
Look, we've got nothing to lose. And if the worst comes to the worst, and the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.
PETE suddenly breaks a foot through the bottom of the once-sealed doors.
LISTER:
That door's not gonna hold out much longer.
RIMMER:
If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now; he wouldn't even need a curry.
CAT and KRYTEN pour bags of bran into the giant food bowl.
LISTER:
Don't put that stuff in, you're gonna spoil the taste!
KOCHANSKI:
Here he comes!
The T-Rex enter and takes an experimental sniff at the contents of the bowl, then begins slurping noisily.
LISTER:
It's loving it! Maybe we should have made some poppadoms, gone the whole hog?
CAT:
The whole hog? Like it wasn't hard enough getting the whole cow?
The T-Rex raises his head high and shakes it.
LISTER:
I think he wants a lager.
The T-Rex abruptly stops moving. After a pause it lowers its head slowly. Suddenly, its eyes bug out, his nostrils flare and lets out a piercing screech.
LISTER:
It was a hot one, but with it being a dino I thought it could stand it!
Yowling piteously, the T-Rex stomps back and forth looking for relief. Finally he smashes through an iron wall leaving a T-Rex-shaped hole, and disappears from view. Enter GUARDS holding guns.
KRYTEN:
The Time freeze on the guards must have... If only those buttons were more clearly marked!
7 - Int. Captain Hollister’s Office
RIMMER and LISTER are marched in by two guards. Standing before Captain Hollister – whose head is wrapped in bandages - RIMMER gives an intricate salute, while LISTER just gives a wave.
HOLLISTER:
The rules about dinosaurs aboard J.M.C. mining ships are very clear. No pets. Am I right? AM I RIGHT?!
RIMMER and LISTER:
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER:
Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?
RIMMER and LISTER:
No, sir.
HOLLISTER:
It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice cream. I love mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last
bit.
RIMMER:
We were just trying to get the Time Wand back, sir.
HOLLISTER:
It has also eaten four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and drank all the Coca-Cola. Guess what?
RIMMER:
You love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola, sir?
HOLLISTER:
I love orange ice-pops and Coca-Cola.
LISTER:
Sir, if you could just let us -
HOLLISTER:
And do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, and then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills the whole thing down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink? Do ya know what happens?
LISTER:
It burps?
HOLLISTER:
Oh, it burps. And do you know what happened to the poor brave men who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?
RIMMER:
They went 'phwoooarrr!'? (Waves his wand in front of his face)
HOLLISTER:
It took out the entire platoon, hurling them twenty feet across the cargo bay wall.
RIMMER:
Sir, I hope this one, small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise flawless service record, sir.
HOLLISTER:
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo, two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by four hundred crates of orange ice-pops, and swills it all down with two thousand gallons of a popular fizzy drink, after it's burped?
RIMMER:
It feels sick?
HOLLISTER:
Oh no! It doesn't feel sick, Rimmer - it is sick! Five of our best men nearly drowned! Two others are in hospital, concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.
LISTER and RIMMER:
We are really, deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.
HOLLISTER:
Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo, then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream, followed by -
LISTER:
Oh god, it didn't?
HOLLISTER:
It didn't what, Lister?
LISTER:
It didn't get a diarrhoea attack, did it?
HOLLISTER:
One hundred percent correct! And, do ya know what happened to the battalion that was sneaking up on the beast - from behind - of which I was
a proud member? Do ya know? Do ya know what happened?
RIMMER:
Got a fair idea, sir.
LISTER:
Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.
HOLLISTER:
A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. I've had twelve baths, and three showers. Now, do you have anything to say?
RIMMER:
Yes, sir, I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.
HOLLISTER picks up the Time Wand from his desk.
HOLLISTER:
Nobody knows how to work this thing. It is sedated in the cargo bay - turn it back into a sparrow!
LISTER:
Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?
HOLLISTER:
Who the hell do you think landed on my head? He is in repairs, being oiled. Bring back the sparrow. And, if you try anything smart, you're dead.
RIMMER and LISTER:
Yes, sir.
HOLLISTER:
And, if I ever, ever, ever, see you in this office again, you are finished. (Looks at his watch) See ya in ten minutes?
LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand.
HOLLISTER:
(Looks at his watch) See ya in ten minutes?
LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand.
HOLLISTER:
(Looks at his watch) See ya in ten minutes?
LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand.
HOLLISTER:
(Looks at his watch) See ya in ten minutes?
LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand.
HOLLISTER:
(Looks at his watch) See ya in ten minutes?
LISTER zaps HOLLISTER with the Time Wand.
HOLLISTER:
(Looks at his watch) See ya in ten minutes?
8 - Int. Corridor
Two guards escort KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI.
KOCHANSKI:
Did you get punishment duty too?
KRYTEN:
I've got to iron eight-hundred prison smocks. I don't understand...
KOCHANSKI:
Ohh...
KRYTEN:
Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward? Eight-hundred! Bliss!
9 - Int. Rimmer and Lister’s Cell
LISTER:
Did you see the Captain's report? The one lying open on his desk? See what it said about you? He used the word 'imbecile' four times in one sentence.
RIMMER:
Oh yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?
LISTER:
Just your name and a dash.
RIMMER:
I don't know, you make a couple of tiny mistakes - you give the Captain a virus that eats all his hair off, then you accidentally turn a sparrow into a dinosaur and you never hear the last of it! Pssshhhhh. He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm finished, I'm never going
to make it into High Command now.
LISTER:
It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile. Everyone else thinks you're a moron.
HOLLISTER enters, but RIMMER, facing away from the door, does not realise. LISTER spots him, and begins dropping meaningful glances in RIMMER's direction.
LISTER:
He is a good Captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the ball. Quick.
LISTER surreptitiously points over RIMMER's shoulder, but RIMMER isn't looking at him.
RIMMER:
Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.
LISTER:
(Still pointing) You do admire him though, don't you?
RIMMER:
Admire him? A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his quarters? A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists as his hobbies 'chewing' and 'swallowing'?
LISTER:
(Still pointing) You did tell me once before, though, you do respect him, don't ya?
RIMMER:
Respect him? A man who's family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole? A man who's idea of a light snack - he's standing behind me, isn't he?
HOLLISTER:
Yes, he is.
RIMMER leaps to his feet and stands to attention.
RIMMER:
I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are, and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday doesn't appear to have had any strange side-effects whatsoever -
RIMMER suddenly appears to be seized by a spasm. His head tosses wildly and he makes unintelligible sounds as his lips and cheeks flap. HOLLISTER watches and waits, unimpressed.
HOLLISTER:
You forgot this. You left it in my office. D'you have any idea the damage that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands? LOOK AFTER IT!
He walks off, looks back and RIMMER, then leaves. RIMMER, about to cry, sinks to the floor with his fist in his mouth.
11 - Int. Kryten and Kochanski’s Cell
KOCHANSKI is crouched over on her floor, staring under her bunk and poking a broom into the dark corners beneath.
KOCHANSKI:
You're there, I know you're there, you little sod! Come on, out! Out!
KRYTEN enters.
KOCHANSKI:
There's a mouse under here, its been scuttling around for about ten minutes.
KRYTEN:
It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.
KOCHANSKI:
Archie?
KRYTEN:
My penis. It must have escaped.
KOCHANSKI:
(Shakes head) No, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed; do you know what that sounded like to me?
KRYTEN:
I made one.
KOCHANSKI:
Forget my ears, maybe my whole brain needs syringing... You made one?
KRYTEN:
Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.
KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, why do you want one?
KRYTEN:
Ah! It's so humiliating, being posted to the Women's Wing just because I'm genitally challenged! So I decided to make one like Mister Lister's. Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop and made a break for it during the night.
KOCHANSKI:
No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese. This whole thing's making sense now.
KRYTEN:
Just leave this to me, ma'am. Here, Archie! Here, boy! Ch-ch-ch-ch…
KOCHANSKI:
There he is!
A small, gibbering critter suddenly hurls itself out across the floor, tears around the room like a miniature whirlwind and then shoots back under the bunk, where KRYTEN traps it under a box. Undeterred, the thing nudges the box out from under the bunk, lurches around for a moment, whizzes out of the cell door and down a corridor.
KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, do you realise what this means?
KRYTEN:
No, ma'am.
KOCHANSKI:
It means you're a real man.
KRYTEN:
It does? Why?
KOCHANSKI:
Because now like all men, you have absolutely no control over your penis.
KRYTEN:
I'm so proud! Archie, come back!
He is about to leave, but is stopped by a GUARD carrying a box.
GUARD:
All right, girls? New Canary mission.
KOCHANSKI:
What?
GUARD:
Un-tamed dino on the loose!
12 - Int. Travel Tube
A train carriage whizzes along.
13 - Int. Train Carriage
KOCHANSKI:
We're not going in 'till we know what we're doing.
RIMMER:
That could take years...
KOCHANSKI spots LISTER toying with the Time Wand.
KOCHANSKI:
You... point that thing at yourself and you could end up as a - a - sperm! Is that what you want?
CAT:
Hell no! None of my suits will fit!
KILL CRAZY:
Well, if that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we gotta go in and 'ave that thing.
BAXTER:
And we ain't usin' no guns.
KILL CRAZY:
Yeah, guns are for wusses. It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.
KILL CRAZY performs a few inexpert martial arts moves.
RIMMER:
A fistfight with T-Rex..?
KILL CRAZY:
Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate... only got little arms, in't they... ain't got no reach... Yeah, I'll just pick it off... (Punches air) Bosh!
KILL CRAZYenthusiastically punches the air a few times.
BAXTER:
Can't reach anyfin' with them little arms.
RIMMER:
That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy...
RIMMER mimes trying to reach down his body with a T-Rex's small forearms.
14 - Int. Corridor
The Dwarfers, with their Canary troop, climb down a ladder and scramble along a corridor. Suddenly, CAT pulls up short, shock and terror on his face.
CAT:
Oh my god..!
KOCHANSKI:
What!
CAT:
Something's wrong!
LISTER:
What d'you mean, man??
CAT:
Something's inside me and it wants to get out!
KOCHANSKI:
Oh my god!
CAT:
Aaaarrggg! Help!!
Tearing his clothes open, CAT sinks to the ground and falls onto his back. Sure enough, a strange, gibbering thing is wiggling around under his shirt.
RIMMER:
What is it??
KRYTEN:
I think it's Archie, sir.
LISTER:
It's who?
KOCHANSKI:
He escaped earlier - probably followed us. Must have dozed off in the Cat's pocket and just woken up.
LISTER:
Who the smeg is Archie?
KRYTEN:
Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.
RIMMER and LISTER look at each other.
15 - Int. Another Corridor
KILL CRAZY and BAXTER:
Yaaarrrggg!!
The crazed pair leap out from the wall of the corridor, separating RIMMER and LISTER from the others, and squaring off with them.
BAXTER:
We, want a barny with Barney - don't want any sane people spoilin' it...
KILL CRAZY:
Death... or glory... yee-harr!
LISTER:
Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute...
BAXTER grabs the TIme Wand from LISTER, and grunts ineffectually as he stabs buttons stupidly on its control panel. Sparks and spurts of blue electrical light splash over RIMMER and LISTER, apparently without effect.
BAXTER:
(Grunts) This thing's useless!
He tosses the Time Wand over his shoulder, then grabs LISTER's face
and pulls him close to his own, while KILL CRAZY similarly grabs RIMMER.
BAXTER:
Say goodbye to your teeth...
BAXTER draws his fist back and punches LISTER solidly in the mouth, but then grabs his hand, wincing in pain as LISTER doesn't move. He punches again, with as little effect as his first.
LISTER:
Something's not right... we're gettin' our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt..?
BAXTER lands a third punch on LISTER's mouth, still with no effect.
LISTER:
See, look, I'm not even bleeding.
KILL CRAZY tries his luck, landing a fist first in RIMMER's gut, then across his mouth. RIMMER just looks at him disdainfully.
RIMMER:
You're right...
BAXTER tries a change of tactics, grabs LISTER by his lapels and tries pushing him backwards. After a few seconds gasping, he gives up. KILL CRAZY tries the same on RIMMER, also to no avail. Simultaneously, the two psychos land a stomach punch then a cross to the jaws of LISTER and RIMMER then stare incredulously as the pair grin back at them.
KRYTEN is checking the Time Wand's control panel.
KRYTEN:
According to this, sirs, they've put your bodies on a different time stream to the rest of you.
BAXTER:
Let's go!
He and KILL CRAZY turn and sprint away, passing KRYTEN and snatching the Time Wand from his hands as they pass. Several other Canaries follow them.
16 - Int. Captain Hollister’s Office
RIMMER and LISTER are marched in by two guards. Standing before Captain Hollister – whose head is still wrapped in bandages - RIMMER gives an intricate salute, while LISTER just gives a wave.
HOLLISTER:
You lost the Time Wand?
LISTER:
We were ambushed, sir.
HOLLISTER:
By whom?
LISTER:
Well, first of all by Kryten's -
RIMMER:
Harummph!
LISTER:
- and then we were jumped by -
RIMMER:
Harummph!!
LISTER:
- sir.
HOLLISTER:
That's it? Okay. No more 'Mister Nice Guy', no more second chances. You get that Time Wand back, you get that sparrow back, and if you step out of line one more time - one more time - you're dead! Do you understand?
Suddenly, RIMMER and LISTER appear to pucker their lips out exaggeratedly, but both look shocked. Just as the expressions disappear, two thumping sounds issue from LISTER’s general location and he goes reeling backwards, smashing through a wall display of technical drawings. Slowly, he picks himself back up and peers through the hole he just made in the wall.
LISTER:
What was that??
RIMMER:
I th-
RIMMER suddenly doubles over, a solid thump issuing from his midriff, then is knocked backwards off his feet to the accompaniment of another bone-jarring crack. CAPTAIN HOLLISTER looks around, amazed, as LISTER is twice sent flying through the air in front of him.
HOLLISTER:
What the hell is going on??
The pair pick themselves up painfully.
RIMMER:
The effects of the fight, they've caught up with us!
He and LISTER suddenly lurch forward on to the CAPTAIN's desk, their squashed faces inches from HOLLISTER's.
HOLLISTER:
Get out of here, both of you! OUT!
Thrust back from the table, the pair barely have time to take breath, before it is knocked out of them, and both take a punch that pushes them out of the CAPTAIN's office, down the corridor, and finally slams them up against the metal wall at the far end. They slither to the floor.
17 – Int. Stairwell
LISTER:
Gettin' that Time Wand back could take forever, and they could zap us with it, and turn us into anything!
RIMMER:
I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem...
18 - Int. Corridor
A short distance away, two large gorillas, dressed in tight-fitting Canary outfits are crouched on the deck, playing with the light beam from a spinning torch. The Time Wand lies forgotten on the deck a few feet away, and a large pole eases towards it from out of short, and slides it carefully away from the two gorillas.
19 - Int. Cargo Bay
T-Rex is laid out on his back, snoring soundly.
RIMMER:
It's gonna go wrong, isn't it.
LISTER:
Look, all I've gotta do is press 'undo', and the Time Wand will retrace its steps, and undo everything its done so far. This way we'll even get BIRDMAN back.
RIMMER:
Something's gonna go wrong, it always does for us.
LISTER:
Will you relax?
LISTER works the controls on the Time Wand and blue crackling light plays over the deck momentarily. A pair of boots, filled with what looks suspiciously like the remains of two feet, appear as the light clears.
LISTER:
Birdman’s boots. Now to get the rest of him back.
LISTER again manipulates the control pad, and a second crackle of light leaves behind a complete and living BIRDMAN.
BIRDMAN:
Pete ate me. He ate me. He must be really out of sorts, he's never eaten me before; never.
LISTER works the controls a final time, and huge burst of crackling light cascades over the T-Rex. In an instant, the massive bulk of the T-Rex vanishes, leaving behind a tiny little PETE-sparrow that flutters, tweeting, to BIRDMAN.
BIRDMAN:
Pete! You want some seed?
RIMMER:
Now, destroy the Time Wand.
LISTER:
This machine's priceless!
RIMMER:
Destroy it!
LISTER drops the Wand and stomps on it, smashing it to pieces; he even does a little jig.
20 - Int./Ext. Scene desc.
Passing along a corridor, LISTER, RIMMER and BIRDMAN are distracted by a somewhat large object that seems different to the surrounding metalwork of Red Dwarf. Something roughly oval-shaped, off white in colour, with subtle striped markings. The thing wobbles slightly as they watch, and a sound exactly like the cracking of an eggshell can be heard.
LISTER:
What are we gonna do now?
RIMMER:
Now... rebuild... the Time Wand, it's absolutely priceless!
LISTER and RIMMER sprint off, BIRDMAN tagging behind, as the baby pokes its tail out of the breaking eggshell. The trio return moments later, LISTER and RIMMER each clutching a bundle of tangled wires and snapped circuit boards, and manfully attempt to jam the pieces back together. After several painful seconds, during which a pair of chubby feet thrust out from the egg, they throw their pieces to the deck in disgust. As they watch, the little dinosaur, manages to get its feet under it, and waddles rapidly down a corridor, eggshell and all.
RIMMER:
Stop that dinosaur!
The egg waddles into a lift.
LISTER:
It's gone in the lift, its gone in the lift!
RIMMER:
Get it back, get it back! Get it back...
21 - Int. Captain Hollister’s Quarters
CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is lying on a bed, receiving a massage.
HOLLISTER:
Ooh, that coconut milk felt great...
22 - Int. Lift
Having recalled the elevator, LISTER and RIMMER dive into the car, weapons drawn, but all that remains is an empty egg shell.
23 - Int. Captain Hollister’s Quarters
HOLLISTER:
Oh, I'm such a wreck...
The MASSEUSE leaves
24 - Int. Lift
RIMMER and LISTER panicking.
25 - Int. Captain Hollister’s Quarters
The BABY T-REX rises up beside the CAPTAIN, who lies face down on the bed
HOLLISTER:
Mmmm... ooohhhh... aahhh, oh, that's great.
The BABY T-REX runs its tongue along HOLLISTER’s back.
HOLLISTER:
Ohh, there's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the spot!
The BABY T-REX bellows.
26 - Int. Captain Hollister’s Office
RIMMER and LISTER are marched in by two guards. Captain Hollister stares at them silently. He holds up a white card, on which is written:
’I AM SUFFERING FROM POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER’
HOLLISTER then puts down the card and holds up a second card:
’I MAY NEVER… SPEAK… AGAIN’
After a short pause, HOLLISTER selects a new card:
’THE HOLE TWELVE MONTHS’
RIMMER and LISTER turn to leave, but HOLLISTER raps on his desk angrily, holding up another card:
’WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?’
RIMMER:
The Hole, sir...
HOLLISTER whips another card from his desk, which reads:
’YOU’RE NOT GOING TO THE HOLE – I AM’
RIMMER and LISTER exchange an uncertain glance, and HOLLISTER, grinning disturbingly, holds up his final card:
’SEE YOU IN TWELVE MONTHS’
Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten),
Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister),
Graham McTavish (Governor Ackerman), Earl Perri (Young Kochanski, Michael Ricky (Young Cat),
Grover (Baxter), Ian Masters (Birdman), Shend (Warden Knot)
Directed by Andy De Emmony
TX:
BBC2 - 1st April 1999
Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski and Holly