'Pete' by Doug Naylor

1 - Ext. Space

Red Dwarf in space

2 - Int. Corridor / Captain's office

LISTER and RIMMER are escorted by two guards to CAPTAIN HOLLISTER and GOVERNOR ACKERMAN. RIMMER gives an intricate salute, while LISTER just gives a quick wave.

HOLLISTER:
I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday.

RIMMER:
That is just not true, sir. We played a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir. (Realisation dawns) Oh, I see...

HOLLISTER:
What happened?

LISTER:
We inserted a capsule of the truth serum, sodium pentathol, into his asthma inhaler, sir.

HOLLISTER:
Ah… (Reads from report) …which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late, saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy' with the Science Officer's wife, and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit...

RIMMER:
Permission to snigger, sir?

HOLLISTER:
Permission refused.

RIMMER:
May have to snigger anyway, sir...

The pair bow their heads and proceed to do just that

HOLLISTER:
Do either of you have anything to say?

LISTER:
About what, sir?

HOLLISTER:
About Mister Ackerman! About him being late, and wearing a Batman outfit?

LISTER:
Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change'd be much quicker.

HOLLISTER:
You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you want to get out? Ever?

LISTER:
It's that Mister Ackerman's so... ... horrible, sir.

ACKERMAN:
I am not, sir! I'm extremely nice! Lovely, in fact. Warm; caring, but most of all, nice. Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman. That's why I entered the service, sir; so I could share my sunny disposition with inmate scum who didn't have my start in life.

RIMMER:
Sir, he's been horrible since the day we first met him:


3 - Int. Tank

Cut to: Flashback to the Dwarfer's first day in the Tank. The inmates are lined up at the base of a circular chamber.

ACKERMAN:
Today, we have a new intake. To them, I say: obey the rules; keep out of trouble, and you time here will pass much more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor Thirteen.

CAT:
(To LISTER) Seems like a nice guy!

ACKERMAN steps up to CAT, suddenly elbows him in the stomach, belts him several times with his stick, then hauls him to his to his feet.

ACKERMAN:
If you want to speak, ask my permission.

CAT:
I was just saying how nice you seemed!

ACKERMAN:
You spoke again.

WARDEN KNOT enters; he and ACKERMAN proceed to beat CAT with fists and sticks, drawing winces from RIMMER and LISTER. ACKERMAN draws CAT upright again.

CAT:
But I was paying you a compliment, buddy! I was saying how you seemed to be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy; not one of these psycho-types you sometimes get running around prisons.

ACKERMAN seems concerned that somehow he is being misunderstood, but this soon passes in favour of an amused smile

ACKERMAN:
You spoke again!

He and KNOT lay into the clueless feline once more. A guard from the rear of the lines joins in. CAT struggles to reach up and tap LISTER on the shoulder.

CAT:
Come on, dude, back me up!

LISTER does his best to ignore events, and left to his own devices, CAT suddenly realises something.

CAT:
Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut up! If I shut up they'll stop hitting me.

He takes a deep breath and exaggeratedly clamps his mouth shut. Instantly his assailants stop their blows. ACKERMAN nods approvingly, sets CAT back onto his feet and stands him back in line. CAT smiles with satisfaction at working out this conundrum.

CAT:
That is definitely the key!

CAT is grabbed from behind by ACKERMAN, KNOT and the guard, and a second GUARD steps in to assist in the renewed pummelling.


4 - Int. Captain Hollister’s Office

ACKERMAN:
That is totally untrue, sir!

HOLLISTER:
Save it.

ACKERMAN:
What actually happened -

HOLLISTER:
Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman. I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment, and I've come up with this: you, and a team of your choice, will play basketball against a team of guards led by Mister Ackerman -

ACKERMAN:
God bless you, sir.

HOLLISTER:
- where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate population.

RIMMER:
But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp!

HOLLISTER:
You better win, then!


5 - Int. Basketball Court

Two inmates hold up score-cards: 48-3 to guards. On the court, LISTER's team is losing badly, with guards body-checking and punching them. Half-time sounds Score. HOLLISTER gives his team some towels and enthusiastically preps them.

HOLLISTER:
Okay guys, way to go!

The Dwarfers flop onto a bench and nurse their injuries.

KRYTEN:
Where were you?

KOCHANSKI:
Where was I?

KRYTEN:
You were supposed to be picking up Rice!

KOCHANSKI:
I did. We're meeting up for drinks on Thursday.

KRYTEN:
Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.

CAT:
Buddies, we've gotta stop arguing, we can't lose this!

LISTER:
Got it all taken care of...

RIMMER:
As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice... (He drinks from a straw)

LISTER:
Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles something out of the medi-lab for us, y'know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love lives?

KRYTEN:
'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?

LISTER:
That's the stuff, and we've Mickey Finn-ed their drinks.

RIMMER:
Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation, and, it doesn't wear off for seven hours.

KRYTEN:
For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults!

HOLLISTER talks to his team as they all swig their drinks.

KRYTEN (O.O.S.):
That's going to seriously slow them down.

CAT(O.O.S.):
You're not kidding - try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!

HOLLISTER:
Get out there and kill! They're lambs to the slaughter!

The guards and ACKERMAN all walk out slowly, covering their crotches with their hands

HOLLISTER:
Go on, go get 'em!

The Dwarfer's team runs rings round guards, who are unable to stand straight or move fast.

HOLLISTER:
Come on! Get your hands up!

LISTER slam dunks, and the score-boys show their cards: 48-5. Then CAT scores: 48-19. More superb trouncing by the Dwarfers as the game progresses; 48-36 - KRYTEN has scored; he polishes the ball with a rag, and passes it.

HOLLISTER:
Get your hands up, don't let them shoot! Don't let them shoot!

The game continues, with the guards being beaten spectacularly by the Dwarfers: 48-42, 48-49, then CAT stands on LISTER’s back and scores again: 48-53

Thoroughly depressed, HOLLISTER takes a long draw from a guard's bottle of juice, and within seconds notices a distinct feeling of movement in his trousers. He slinks off.

6 - Int. Corridor / Captain's office

LISTER and RIMMER are escorted by two guards to CAPTAIN HOLLISTER and GOVERNOR ACKERMAN. RIMMER gives an intricate salute, while LISTER gives a quick wave.

HOLLISTER:
Seven hours. Do you know how long that is? I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight! When I wanted a leak I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat. I stopped the lift doors from closing; I wasn't even catching a lift! Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?

LISTER:
Yes, sir.

HOLLISTER:
How? If it was one of those damn Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.

LISTER:
It was, er - (coughs) It was me, sir. When the doc's back was turned. I went up to the medi-lab for a sick note but the doctor thought I was feigning illness. He didn't accept it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.

HOLLISTER:
First thing tomorrow you're on spud-duty for two weeks. Now get out of my sight, both of ya's...


7 - Ext. Tank


8 - Int. Rimmerand Lister’s Cell

RIMMER has a draughts board in front of him on the table; he makes a three-hop move, removes the captured pieces and glances over toward LISTER.

RIMMER:
Ha!

RIMMER carefully rotates the board 180-degrees, and flexes his arms before settling down to contemplate his opposing move. LISTER is sprawled out on his bunk, a pen hovering over the book he is looking at.

LISTER:
Sheesh...

RIMMER:
Stuck?

LISTER:
Yeah... God, this is hard!

RIMMER:
What are you doing, a crossword?

LISTER:
No, join-the-dots.

RIMMER:
What number are you stuck on?

LISTER:
Hundred and twenty-four.

RIMMER:
Hundred and twenty-four... hundred and twenty-four... (Clicks fingers) Have you tried a-hundred and twenty-five?

LISTER:
I know the number, you gimboid, it's finding it that's the hard bit. I'm not some brain-dead simpleton. Ah! There it is. (Realisation) Oh, look at that! It's a bucket and spade! (He holds the completed picture up for RIMMER's inspection) Look at that, it's clever that, innit?

Enter GUARD, who places food on the table.

RIMMER:
Ah! Supper!

Exit GUARD.

LISTER:
Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

RIMMER:
I've seen things more appetising on the floor of elephant houses. Only a total idiot would eat this. (He ponders for a moment, then takes a forkful) They call this meat? My grandmothers buttocks deep-fried in old chip fat would taste better than this.

LISTER:
We're on a punishment menu now. No chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.

RIMMER:
Because we're on punishment detail?

LISTER:
Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments that have gone wrong, with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.

RIMMER:
You waited until I was swallowing until you said that, didn't you.

LISTER:
He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.

RIMMER:
Course he didn't. They can't do that, it's illegal.

LISTER:
His starter sneezed! Jimbo Steele was a witness.

RIMMER:
Kill Crazy’s insane, he's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons, every time they flush a loo on a plane it drops straight out, and that's why they don't let you go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway: for fear of skid starts.

LISTER thinks about this, and shrugs.

LISTER:
He's probably right.

RIMMER:
Course he isn't.

LISTER:
Well why else wouldn't they let you go, then?

RIMMER:
I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey. If they let you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese.

LISTER:
Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses under the flight-path are always so cheap.

RIMMER:
Cos of all the flushing planes?

LISTER:
Yeah, well, think about it: (Counts off on fingers) …you can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue, and every time you go out you've got to wear a washable hat and leg it to your car.

RIMMER:
It's the noise. That's why houses under the flight-path are so cheap; because of the noise.

LISTER:
The noise?

RIMMER:
Yeah.

LISTER:
They're half a mile up. You'd never be able to hear people on the loo from that distance. Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan.

RIMMER:
Not eating?

LISTER:
Yeah, yeah. In a minute.

Quiet taps are heard; LISTER opens a roof panel, and a Skutter leans in holding a foil covered container. LISTER takes it, opens it and breathes deeply.

LISTER:
Ooohhhh, chicken vindaloo... Nice one, Bob.

The Skutter disappears, then pops down again holding a six-pack of lager.

LISTER:
What about the poppadums, you didn't forget them, did ya?

The Skutter passes down a brown paper bag. LISTER eats a bit.

LISTER:
Ha haaa! Poppadums... Here's a little something for you...

He sprays the Skutter liberally with WD40.

LISTER:
Same time tomorrow! (Blows kisses)

Skutter disappears and LISTER closes the roof panel.

LISTER:
Cheers. (Opens a can and has a swig, then starts scoffing the curry)

RIMMER:
Is that the Skutter who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball game?

LISTER:
(Reading a book) Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob. 'A claw in every pie'.

RIMMER:
Tomorrow we're on spud-duty, and those knives are supposed to be as sharp as a chemistry teacher's cardigan. Do you reckon he can get us a couple of good potato peelers?

LISTER:
Hang on, I'm on to something here... Forget the potato peelers, what we want is one of those programmable viruses from the science block...

RIMMER:
Programmable what?

LISTER:
Yeah, they used to be on Z-deck... I wonder if the nano's have reconstructed them? You can program them to do whatever you want: eat potato skins, you name it.

RIMMER:
So we could program them to eat the skins off the potatoes, and leave the rest intact?

LISTER:
We wouldn't have to lift a finger!

RIMMER:
Two weeks of hell would become 'potato paradise'!

LISTER:
I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus, she'll take a message for us.

RIMMER:
Bob’s got a missus?

LISTER:
Yeah, Madge. She's amazing; nought to sixty in under ten minutes.

LISTER begins tapping a complex message on a pipe taps come back, and a long 'dialogue' takes place.

LISTER:
Damn.

RIMMER:
Can't he help us?

LISTER:
No, wrong number. I got the Chinese laundry. Do you need anything ironing?


9 - Ext. Space.

Caption: ‘Destination: S.S. Manny Celeste Mission: Locate missing Canary battalion, radio contact lost at 4:53am’, as a shuttle leaves Red Dwarf and heas for another spaceship.


10 - Int. S.S. Manny Celeste

Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT.

KRYTEN:
Now remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship. Vanished without trace. We must stick together -

CAT and KOCHANSKI leave.

KRYTEN:
- and remain constantly vigilant. One minute, everything's fine, then you lose concentration for a split second, and you're all alone and easy pickings for some hostile life-form. Oh, I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot when it comes to safety procedures, but it's staying alert that has kept us all - kept us - Hello? Oh Creator, I'm on my own...

A door opens and CAT appears

CAT:
Hey, buddy! We're in here!

KRYTEN and CAT go through the door.


11 - Int./Ext. Scene desc.

KRYTEN and CAT rejoin KOCHANSKI.

KRYTEN:
What is the point of me giving my 'stay alert, everyone' pep-talk if no one is listening?

CAT:
What?

KOCHANSKI:
Look at this.

At the other side of the room are five male members of the Canaries. All of them stand perfectly still, like a peculiar Madame Tussauds exhibit. KOCHANSKI taps her watch and activates HOLLY who appears on a wall monitor.

KOCHANSKI:
What are they, Holl?

HOLLY:
(On Screen) They look uncannily like something you should be very, very afraid of.

CAT:
What?

HOLLY:
(On Screen) Mime artists. The ones you get in those trendy town centres, that chase you down the street, and then freeze when you look at them, and everyone laughs at you.

KRYTEN:
I've never seen anything like this before. A group of men who display all the normal life-signs, but seem totally incapable of movement.

HOLLY:
(On Screen) Never seen QPR play away, then?

KOCHANSKI plucks a small device from the hand of one the men.

KOCHANSKI:
(Reads) 'Tempus'; that's Latin for 'time'.

CAT:
Latin? I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships.

KRYTEN:
Somehow this device appears to have caused Time to freeze. Obviously, they used it erroneously.

KRYTEN presses something on the device, and blue arcs of apparent electricity arc outwards from it and play over the five Canaries, almost instantaneously they flash back into motion.

CANARY:
Where did -

The men freeze solid again. An awkward pause ensues, until:

CANARY:
- you come from? And how did… you get hold of that? It's some kind of tem…poral stor…age unit - (He freezes again)

KRYTEN:
Extraordinary!

CAT:
Hey, this could be a great device for settling arguments!

CANARY:
(Unfreezes) Don't mess… with that thing, it can re… lly screw…ew-ew-ew… you up!

KRYTEN:
It appears to be able to digitise Time, and then download it and store it on a hard drive. This 'purer' Time can then be uploaded into objects, or places.

KOCHANSKI:
To freeze people?

KRYTEN:
Er, technically they're not frozen, ma'am, merely operating in a different 'time stream'.

KOCHANSKI:
So you mean they're moving, just incredibly slowly?

HOLLY:
(On Screen) About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress. That's why they don't appear to be actually doing anything.

KOCHANSKI:
So, this device has the ability to make time come to a complete stop? What else can it do?

KRYTEN zaps KOHANSKI and CAT, who both instantly turn into younger versions of themselves, aged about six years old.

KOCHANSKI:
What's happened!? Kryten, why are you so big, and why do I suddenly feel like a ‘Vimto’?

CAT:
Waahhhh! You gotta get me back to normal!

KOCHANSKI:
Do something! I can't go back like this!

KRYTEN:
Why not? You may only be three feet tall but you're both as cute as buttons!

He zaps both of back to their normal age, but CAT now sports an enormous afro, and KOCHANSKI's hair falls lank and straight from a centre-parting down almost to her waist.

KOCHANSKI:
Eeuuur! What's happened to my hair!?

CAT:
And what's happened to mine!

HOLLY:
(On Screen) You look like the Turkish entry in the ‘Eurovision Song Contest’.

KRYTEN:
It seems to have restored your hair to a previous time period to the rest of you. Compensating:

A third zap, and KOCHANSKI suddenly finds herself wearing skin-tight, multicoloured hipsters, a sequinned boob-tube and red stilettos. CAT is also dressed in similar disco-wear, including a tank-top and white boots.

KRYTEN:
Now its regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives!

HOLLY:
(On Screen) And you still look like the Turkish entry in the ‘Eurovision Song Contest’.

KRYTEN finally succeeds in restoring the pair to normal

KOCHANSKI:
So, here's the question: can you unfreeze these guys but take them back in time so they have no memory of finding this?

KRYTEN:
I think so, ma'am. Why?

KOCHANSKI:
If we can smuggle this back on Red Dwarf, it can make our prison terms pass in seconds!

KRYTEN:
Leave this to me. I have an excellent place to conceal it.


12 - Int. Airlock Area

They return to Red Dwarf and check in through security. KRYTEN has managed to somehow enlarge his metal skull enough to hold the device inside.


13 - Int. Corridor

A Skutter, whistling the theme tune to 'The Great Escape', passes LISTER, RIMMER, and their two guard in a corridor. LISTER stealthily snatches a small container from its claw as they pass.

LISTER:
Nice - one - Bob...


14 - Int. Kitchens

Standing before the potato mountain, LISTER sprinkles their pre-programmed virus liberally over the foot of the pile while RIMMER looks on. Exhausting his supply, the pair stand back and wait. And wait…

RIMMER:
It's not working, is it?

LISTER:
Give it a bit of time to get going.

RIMMER:
Look... (Points) look! It's working on this one... (Passes several potatoes to LISTER)

LISTER:
Yess!

RIMMER:
And here's another!

LISTER:
Yess!

RIMMER:
And another!

LISTER:
Yesss!

RIMMER:
And another! Fan-smegging-tastic! Listy, we're on our way! They're gonna do the whole damn room in minutes!

LISTER:
Hey, what's happened to your sleeve, man?

RIMMER:
What?

The right sleeve of RIMMER's coveralls seems to have been ripped away at the elbow.

LISTER:
Your sleeve; I didn't notice that before..?

RIMMER:
My God, they're eating my clothes!

LISTER laughs uproariously as RIMMER slaps at his clothes madly, which are disintegrating before his eyes by the second. Pulling his cap off in order to better slap away the virus, half of his hair comes off with it, and even the cap has more than half vanished before he gets in more than a few slaps with it. Still enjoying the spectacle, LISTER suddenly notices that his own sleeve has dissolved, as well as much of his trousers and a part of his right boot. It doesn't take long before both of them are completely naked and quite, quite bald.

15 - Int. Corridor / Captain's office

Bald, naked, and covering their genitals with their hands, LISTER and RIMMER are escorted by two guards to CAPTAIN HOLLISTER and GOVERNOR ACKERMAN. RIMMER gives an intricate salute, while LISTER just gives a quick wave.

HOLLISTER:
Well?

RIMMER:
It wasn't me, sir, it was him. He made me do it.

LISTER:
You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk?

RIMMER:
Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk.

HOLLISTER:
If I ever - ever - see you in this office again, then you're in the Hole, is that what you want?

RIMMER and LISTER:
No, sir.

HOLLISTER:
Well then, get out.

Gestures towards the door

RIMMER:
Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Misunderstanding the CAPTAIN's gesture, RIMMER shakes his outstretched hand sincerely. The pair of them grab papers from the CAPTAIN's desks in order to cover themselves, then suddenly stare at the CAPTAIN with worried expressions. One of the CAPTAIN’s sleeves has disappeared... The CAPTAIN sees their faces and runs his hand through his hair resignedly.

HOLLISTER:
You haven't been down to the medi-bay to get this virus off, have you...

RIMMER:
I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand, sir. That was probably a mistake.

LISTER:
Big mistake, sir.

RIMMER:
I, um - we'll... We'll be going, sir.

LISTER:
Right now.

HOLLISTER:
(His hair has half-gone) That's it! Two months! In the Hole!

LISTER:
Sir? What about my Athelete's Hand?

HOLLISTER:
(His hair has now completely gone) Now!


16 - Int. Canteen

The Canaries are standing in line before a food dispenser. Each prisoner presses a hand to a scanner and then taps a meal code into the system in order to receive their rations.

KRYTEN:
Straight after lunch, we zap the ship with a two year download of time, and the records will show that we've served our sentences, and are free to be released!

KOCHANSKI:
This machine's amazing! D'you think it can do boob jobs, too? Obviously, I'm just thinking about the future...

A fracas is occurring just ahead of them at the dispensing hatch. CAT, in entering his hand-print, has apparently knocked against the man in front of him. The burly prisoner pushes CAT up against the machinery and looks none too pleased.

BAXTER:
You spilled my soup!

The man passes his full tray to another prisoner.

CAT:
Sorry, Baxter! Non-bud! It was an accident!

BAXTER spins CAT around and shoves him head first through the dispensing hatch, before addressing the voice-recognition unit

BAXTER:
Hot Bovril!

CAT:
Aaaagghhh!

Dragging out the bedraggled feline, BAXTER grabs CAT's hand, bends over his fingers until the middle digit is clearly extended, and uses CAT's finger to re-enter the meal code into the dispenser. A fresh tray appears in the hatch, which BAXTER steals, before taking back his own tray, growling at CAT, and stomping away. Later, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT sit together at a table in the refectory. Across the room, BAXTER is seated with several of his cronies. The big man is ripping into a chicken leg from one of the trays.

KRYTEN:
Look at him... the big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after him. He'd need a sander to get rid of the tidemark, and a leaf-vac to hoover the hair!

CAT:
Fix him! Fix him with the Time Wand!

KRYTEN:
Watch this!

KRYTEN zaps BAXTER's dinner tray, turning the man's cooked chicken into something alive and clucking. Startled, BAXTER sweeps the chicken off the table, turning to glare at his pals who are laughing loudly. He elbows the man beside him in the face, then jumps to his feet, looking for a culprit. Oblivious, CAT cackles heartily, until he turns around and sees BAXTER glaring at him. The burly man makes a dive at CAT, but KRYTEN hurriedly bangs instructions into the newly-christened 'Time Wand', and zaps BAXTER, freezing him in mid-air. KRYTEN them freezes BAXTER's two remaining conscious friends, and the three of them make good their escape.


17 - Int. Cell

LISTER and RIMMER are pushed inside.

BIRDMAN (O.O.S.):
'Ello!

LISTER:
Ehh? There's someone in here with us!

Enter BIRDMAN: he is a little grey-haired Welshman, who holds a small bird lovingly in his hand.

BIRDMAN:
Yeah, it's that bloke sittin' next to you.

LISTER:
Who are you? What's your name?

BIRDMAN:
They call me 'Birdman’.

LISTER:
Oh aye? Why's that?

RIMMER:
Because he really likes instant custard; why do you think?

BIRDMAN:
This is Pete; 'E's nine years old... which, in sparrow years, is, er...nine years old. So that makes him, er...

RIMMER:
Nine..?

BIRDMAN:
Nine, that's right! You met him before, 'ave you?

RIMMER:
Two months of this, God!

A circle of burning metal forms on the ground

LISTER:
What's this?

The circular section of floor drops away and a Skutter pops up through the hole, whistling the theme to ‘The Great Escape’. The Skutter, LISTER and RIMMER crawl through a hatchway into:


18 - Int. Recreation Room

Several crewmembers stand stock-still. A table-tennis game was obviously in progress, too. Two crewmen are hunched over the table, and the ball hangs motionless and unsupported in the air just in front of one of the players.

LISTER, RIMMER and BIRDMAN enter. BIRDMAN has found a cage for PETE, and carries it with him.

RIMMER:
What happened to everyone?

LISTER:
It's like they're all frozen on the spot.

RIMMER:
Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

LISTER:
Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!

LISTER:
plucks the ping-pong ball from mid-air, tosses it up in the air and catches it then pockets it.


19. Int. Cargo Bay

LISTER, RIMMER and BIRDMAN join KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN and CAT, who are sitting at a table set for a banquet.

KOCHANSKI:
Hey!

LISTER:
Guys!

KOCHANSKI:
Heyy.

KRYTEN:
Oh, sirs!

CAT:
Buddies!

RIMMER:
This, is 'Birdman’.

BIRDMAN:
And this is Pete.

KOCHANSKI:
We've found this machine that can digitise Time, and we can release jets of it, and we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a nanosecond!

KRYTEN:
Hats off, sirs...

RIMMER and LISTER awkwardly remove their caps, and KRYTEN zaps them both with the Time Wand, restoring their haircuts to their previous state.

BIRDMAN:
There's somethin' wrong with Pete...

LISTER:
What?

BIRDMAN:
'E's gone all stiff!

RIMMER:
He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice.

LISTER:
Not that kind of stiff; he's dead!

BIRDMAN:
The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!

LISTER:
He really loved that bird, it was only thing that kept him going.

KRYTEN:
I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the Time Wand could bring him back to life; make him young and strong again. Watch:

KRYTEN taps instructions into the Time Wand, then zaps PETE’s cage. There is a huge explosion - the bird disappears, and BIRDMAN is sent sprawling, losing his glasses in the process. As BIRDMAN scrabbles around on the floor, and the Dwarfers stand over the smoking remains of the cage, there is a resounding boom as an enormous scaly foot slams down onto the deck.

LISTER:
Holy...

RIMMER:
Smeg!

Roaring menacingly, a massive Tyrannosaurus Rex towers above the amazed humans, who begin back-peddling.

LISTER:
Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from??

KRYTEN:
From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs; from the Theropod family. I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years!

The T-Rex advances…

CAT:
There's an old CAT saying, which has particular relevance here; it goes something like this: "we are all gonna die."

Still without his glasses, BIRDMAN suddenly finds a large, bird's foot-like object scant inches from his face. He reaches out and fumbles at Pete's smooth central claw.

BIRDMAN:
Pete? Is that you, Pete?

KOCHANSKI:
Birdman!

Finding his glasses at last, BIRDMAN realises there are some serious problems of scale going on. He looks up, and up, and up. Pete stares back, pauses, then sneezes over BIRDMAN.

RIMMER:
Gezundtheit!

BIRDMAN:
You want some seed..?

Pete roars, and the Dwarfers wince as the T-Rex leans down, jaws wide.

BIRDMAN:
(Inside the T-Rex’s mouth) That's a 'no' then, is it?

A pair of boots with stumps of legs in them hit the deck.

KRYTEN:
What now, sir?

RIMMER:
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

RIMMER runs off to the left, while the other leg it off right. A second later, RIMMER runs after them, as the T-Rex stalks after them.

Caption: "TO BE CONTINUED..."


Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Graham McTavish (Governor Ackerman), Earl Perri (Young Kochanski, Michael Ricky (Young Cat), Grover (Baxter), Ian Masters (Birdman), Shend (Warden Knot)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 25th March 1999

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski and Holly