'Back in the Red' (Part 3) Doug Naylor

1 - Model/CGI shot

Inside the Tank. Slow zoom towards a huge, segmented, cylindrical tower that houses blocks of cells.


2 - Int. A small cell

RIMMER and LISTER enter; they both look exhausted. RIMMER collapses into a chair by their table, and LISTER wearily attempts the long climb up the ladder to his top bunk.

RIMMER:
One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.

Reaching his bed at last, LISTER lays down gratefully, wincing.

LISTER:
Was he any help?

RIMMER:
Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, "Showing compassion to inmates".

LISTER:
I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?

RIMMER:
In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.

LISTER:
What did he say?

RIMMER:
He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

LISTER:
It's cos we're in G-tower. All the staff are mad, here. One of the guys was saying, though, as a reward for good behaviour, they move you to the luxury block on D-wing. Everything's really nice there; they even shampoo the rats. Groom their tails and everything.

RIMMER:
I must look it up in my Michelin guide to penal Hell-holes. I'm sure it probably gets the full five slop-out buckets.

LISTER:
They've got everything: TV's, music centres... they've even got a trouser press.

RIMMER:
Since when were you interested in a trouser press? You care less about your appearance than a member of the Dutch royal family.

LISTER:
No, I was thinking: if we got moved to a cell with a trouser press, we could make cheese toasties.

RIMMER:
What's this?

RIMMER picks up an envelope from the table in front of him where it sat on top of a book, and opens it.

RIMMER:
"Floor 13 information pack. If privacy is required when using toilet, please wear blindfold."

He takes out a thick, black blindfold and looks at it blankly. LISTER nods toward the table.

LISTER:
What's the book?

RIMMER picks it up to glance at the cover, then tosses it back.

RIMMER:
Gideon's Bible.

LISTER:
He follows me everywhere, that bloke! I was staying in a hotel once, he left his bible behind there, as well. And two years later, another hotel, dozy git left it behind again!

RIMMER:
Everything is ruined. My career's over, I've no goal, no hope, no life.

LISTER:
Yeah, but how come that's started to get you down now?

RIMMER:
Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going to spend the next two years in the brig? Two years with the scum of the universe, hardened criminals, deranged droids, people so unbalanced and debauched they could even get elected as President of the United States. We've got to escape!

LISTER:
Woah! There're security cameras everywhere.

He hauls himself off his bunk and joins RIMMER at the table.

LISTER:
You know that mad geezer with the one eye and the funny tic? He said it was impossible.

RIMMER:
Well he's bound to say that, he was the warden! If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer, instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I ended up with.

LISTER:
You defended yourself!

RIMMER stares hard at LISTER.

RIMMER:
Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much. Two years in the Tank...

He picks up the blindfold and plods over to the other side of the cell.

LISTER:
Two years...

RIMMER turns and sits down on the toilet, putting on the blindfold, which has the word "ENGAGED" stencilled on it. He grimaces.

RIMMER:
How did I get into this mess?

LISTER notices what RIMMER is doing, and turns away hurriedly.

LISTER:
I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me...


3 - Model/CGI shot

Red Dwarf cruises by a colourful starscape.

Text appears over the image: "2 DAYS EARLIER"


4 - Int. Captain's office

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER is sat at his desk, talking to the recording computer that he has just activated.

HOLLISTER:
This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf. Several of my crew are presently being tried for crimes against the Space Corps:

HOLLISTER inserts the following edited video sequence into his diary. The signal crackles momentarily with static, clearing to:


5 - Int. Courtroom

KRYTEN. CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, two BAILIFFS, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, the CMO and the CHIEF ENGINEER are present.

HOLLISTER:
Are you familiar with the mind scan?

LISTER:
We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

HOLLISTER:
You understand that it will involve the administration of psychotropic drugs, that is, drugs that affect your mental state, making this process possible? If you accept, say 'aye'.

ALL FOUR:
Aye.

HOLLISTER:
Please sign the consent forms and seal them into the envelopes provided. We reconvene at ten am tomorrow.

The four Dwarfers, having signed their forms and slid them into the envelopes, lick the glue seal and resign themselves to the Captain's tests.


6 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
To test the voracity of their defence, unknown to them, I've had them placed in artificial reality where their -

The following three video sequences are pasted in:


7 - Int. Artificial Reality chamber

LISTER, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI and CAT are present

HOLLISTER (V.O.):
- actions can be observed.

The four Dwarfers each stand at an A.R. interface point. Eyes closed, their hands twitch spasmodically around dual feedback joysticks.


8 - Int. Corridor

A flashback of events we've seen before. The four emerge, ‘Reservoir Dogs’ style, from a side corridor in their Dibbley togs. Of course, now we know that this is all a psychotropically-generated, shared fantasy.


9 - Int. Captain's table

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER, CMO, three other FEMALE OFFICERS, two other MALE OFFICERS present.

HOLLISTER:
Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do...

RIMMER:
So, that means, that if anyone happens to mention any... special agreements... that they've entered into - Could you excuse me? I think I... left the iron on...

He leaves.


10 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew -


11 - Int. Captain's office

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER and RIMMER present. RIMMER gives his embarrassingly lengthy salute to illustrate his appraisal.


12 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
- has started acting very suspiciously, being incredibly insightful, and efficient.


13 - Int. Captain's office

Here HOLLISTER selects footage from the same meeting, and we see RIMMER place the folder containing his report on Drive Plate safety procedure on the CAPTAIN's desk before returning to attention.


14 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
I suspect he may have access to the crew's confidential files. We also believe he may be in possession of a virus, which makes him incredibly attractive to the opposite sex. This is obviously a remarkable serum and, as a responsible senior officer of the Space Corps, it's imperative I gain possession of this solution and use some myself.


15 - Int. Galley

HOLLISTER inserts security camera into his diary, showing CMO shagging RIMMER.

CMO:
Oh - my - god - you are sexy! So very, very sexy!

CMO shoves RIMMER through a door into an adjoining cramped room marked 'Captain's Galley'.


16 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
Yesterday he was observed injecting his groin with anaesthetic…


17 - Int. Medical office

HOLLISTER (V.O.):
…something we believe he did to regain some self-control.

Once again, we see RIMMER checking the contents of a hypodermic and emptying the contents into his nether-regions.


18 - Int. Corridor

RIMMER enters, begining to lose feeling in his legs: they appear to turn rubbery and he begins to have trouble walking. He blunders awkwardly along the corridor. Enter three FEMALE CREW MEMBERS.

RIMMER:
Hi.

FEMALE CREW MEMBERS:
Hi...


19 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening, it's unforgivable, but it's a technique that can work. I should know: I used the same method myself to become Captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the donut boy, I'm finished. I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR and expect my suspicions to be confirmed. Report ends.

The images collapses as HOLLISTER shuts off the camera.


20 - Int. Artificial Reality chamber

The four Dwarfers are still hooked up to A.R. interfaces, their actions translated into jerks on the control sticks. A video screen between LISTER and KRYTEN displays the scene inside the simulation. On it we see CAT, dressed in Dibbley costume, pushing a cart.



21 - Int. Red Dwarf landing bay

CAT is wearing his Dibbley disguise and is pushing a large cart, over which a white sheet is draped. Two Skutters flank him.

FLIGHT CONTROLLER (V.O.):
T minus eighteen seconds -


22 - Int. Landing bay hangar section

Three Blue Midget craft parked and inactive in the hangar section.

FLIGHT CONTROLLER (V.O.):
- and counting

The engines start.


23 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

The four take stations at the various control consoles inside Blue Midget, which has also undergone substantial restructuring during the nanobot rebuild. No longer the cramped, darkened control centre of old, the new cockpit is expansive - approximately 10ft square, with a main bank of helm controls stretching across the front of the cockpit, and a secondary bank of logistics and navigation control equipment build into a long desk behind the pilots chairs. CAT immediately slips behind the helm controls while KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI take stations at the secondary controls desk. LISTER disappears behind the desk too, beside KOCHANSKI.


24 - Int. Red Dwarf Ground Control station

A GROUND CONTROLLER, stationed in a small control booth and surrounded by banks of illuminated controls and data screens, checks over her status displays.


25 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

GROUND CONTROLLER: (V.O.)
This is Ground Control to Midget 3…


26 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
you don't appear to have flight clearance. Please state your name and clearance code.


27 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
Ground Control, this is, er...

CAT hesitates, and LISTER pops his head up from behind the control desk

LISTER:
Major Tom!

CAT:
Yeah! Major Tom -

LISTER nods approvingly and sinks back out of sight.


28 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
Major Tom, what is your clearance code and pilot number?


29 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
I'm sorry, I left all my details in my other pants.

He winces, hoping the evasion will succeed.


30 - Int. Ground Control station

The CONTROLLER presses a hand to her earpiece, frowning suspiciously.

GROUND CONTROLLER:
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.


31 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

A small viewscreen crackles to life on the panel next to CAT, displaying an image of the young and beautiful GROUND CONTROLLER. CAT is blown away.

CAT:
Woooowwww!


32 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
(She rolls her eyes disparagingly)Without takeoff clearance I can't permit you to fly.


33 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
I can handle this thing, okay. I'm good. I'm better than good, I'm smoooooth, with a capital 'Smooooo'.


34 - Int. Ground Control station

She chuckles as CAT grins around his huge dentures.

GROUND CONTROLLER:
Well that's as maybe, but I need a little proof you can fly that thing.


35 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
Fly!? I can make this thing dance!


36 - Int. Ground Control station

The CONTROLLER nods, disbelieving.


37 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT rapidly taps a sequence of commands into the keyboard in front of him, snaps his fingers, then uncovers Blue Midget's throttles and powers up. As the little transport craft rises to its feet, CAT dashes from his station, pauses at the rear of the cockpit to collect a metal tray, under the puzzled gazes of his crew mates, and heads out. Blue Midget straightens a leg as CAT emerges, and he slides effortlessly down the limb to the hanger deck. Dusting himself off as the GROUND CONTROLLER looks on, CAT executes a short tap sequence, then offers the floor to Blue Midget. The ungainly machine duplicates the sequence precisely, its alloy foot pads clanging noisily on the deck. After a second sequence carried out first by CAT then by Blue Midget, CAT leaps behind one of the ship's metal legs, sheds his Dibbley costume, and emerges in a sharp, glittering blue suit and tap shoes. CAT and Blue Midget now perform a smoothly choreographed duet of complex tap steps, though when CAT raps a toe-cap sharply on Blue Midget's foot-pad at the end of one routine, the machine glares down at him, swings a leg and sends CAT sailing through the air to land at the other end of the hangar. Not dissuaded, CAT comes back in full effect, snapping his finger, he wakes the three other parked Midgets who form us as backing dancers as CAT and the first Midget carry out a complex sequence of dance steps becoming more and more elaborate and fast-paced with each passing moment. Not even the resounding crash of glass-work exploding from the ranks of Ground Controller booths as Blue Midget's feet crash down onto the deck during a particularly energetic set piece are enough to break the rhythm, and CAT's set reaches its conclusion as he jumps up onto a foot pad held out by the ship, which it then uses to propel him up in to the air. Gracefully, without a hair out of place, CAT slips through a roof hatch and lands in the pilots chair inside the cockpit.


55 - Int. Ground Control station

The GROUND CONTROLLER shakes her head in amazement.

GROUND CONTROLLER:
Wow!


56 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT produces a large cigar, takes a draw on it and blows a smoke ring.

CAT:
You free Saturday?


57 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
I am now.


58 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
Holy-shmoly! I got a date in three day's time; I better start getting ready!

LISTER:
You're going nowhere, man, we are outta here!

LISTER taps on his keyboard and yanks hard on Blue Midget's throttles


59 - CGI/Model shot

Blue Midget paws the ground like a charging bull, then lurches gracelessly out of the hanger section and down a launching tube.


60 - CGI/Model shot

Red Dwarf is left behind as Blue Midget zooms out into space.


61 - Int. Corridor in Red Dwarf

THORNTON stands security outside a hatchway, stencilled above which is a plaque reading "AR SUITE / SUITO". RIMMER enters; the MP hears him clomping awkwardly along the corridor on his numbed legs, and watches him approach disdainfully.

RIMMER:
Thornton -

THORNTON:
No one's allowed in there, Rimmer. Beat it.

RIMMER leans slightly toward THORNTON and stares at him

RIMMER:
Angus Thornton, age thirty-six, middle name 'Lionel'.

RIMMER jerks away, perhaps expecting the other man to take a swing at him. When THORNTON merely looks at him, RIMMER comes closer again.

RIMMER:
Inside leg measurement: twenty-nine, neck size: sixteen; circumcised.

He jerks away again and THORNTON stares at him incredulously.

THORNTON:
How do you know all this?

Gaining confidence, RIMMER bobs closer, delivering the coup de grace.

RIMMER:
Jazz fan. Good credit rating. Once admitted to hospital totally naked and attached to - (He leans in close to THORNTON's ear and hisses quietly) - the suction end of a vacuum cleaner.

THORNTON:
That's a vicious, slanderous, filthy, stinking, slanderous lie that you just made up! Who told you?

RIMMER:
Want all the crew to know? Take a cigarette break; five minutes.

THORNTON:
Okay, I'm going, okay. I'm lighting up already, I'm going.

He leaves. RIMMER nips backs through the hatchway, looking up and down the corridor for unwanted eyes, then darts through.


62 - CGI/Model shot

Blue Midget streaks through space, toward a nebula and nearby moon.


63 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

LISTER:
Now all we've got to do is get a bearing on those damn nano's -


64 - Int. Artificial Reality chamber

Behind LISTER is a video screen portraying the scene inside Blue Midget as we just saw it.

LISTER:
(On video screen) - and we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.

RIMMER waddles in from the corridor and stops by the A.R. computer interface panel.

KRYTEN:
(On video screen) Getting something now, sir.

LISTER:
(On video screen) Good. We didn't need that confidential files scam I cooked up with Rimmer after all. All that stuff I gave him on the Captain... Double-dealing, two-faced rat!

RIMMER watches these events on the screen and begins typing commands on the interface panel, speaking aloud as he does so.

RIMMER:
Find - all - references - to - the - agreement - between - Lister - and - Rimmer - and - remove!

The word "REMOVED" appears on the video screen and flashes.

AR COMPUTER: VO
"All references removed."

RIMMER sighs with relief.


65 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

HOLLY present, on a viewscreen in the cockpit. LISTER checks his control panel, and the world suddenly seems to 'jump-cut', as if several seconds of time had just been snipped out.

LISTER:
What was that? Something weird just happened...

KOCHANSKI:
Yeah, I felt it, too.

Another jump-cut manifests, and CAT is left facing in the opposite direction.

CAT:
There it was again!

The same thing happens to HOLLY.

HOLLY:
And again.

KRYTEN:
Oh, my.

LISTER:
What is it?

KRYTEN:
I don't believe I'm here.

KOCHANSKI:
I have that feeling all the time.

KRYTEN:
I have it. I believe we're in some kind of computer-manipulated, psychotropically induced mind state.


66 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
You took the words right out of my mouth.


67 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

KOCHANSKI:
You mean this is our trial? Our escape is our trial?

LISTER:
The envelopes... When we signed the consent forms... there must have been some kind of drug on the gluey bit we licked.

CAT:
So you mean nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget? The Ground Controller? None of that was real? You mean after all this, I still haven't got a date?? Damn! Another year when I have to sent a Valentine's card to my hand...

LISTER:
No, this good, this is good! It proves we're innocent! Everything we've said and done: escaping, trying to track down the nano's; it corroborates our story!


68 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
But you are guilty, guys! Who are you fooling? (He immediately looks startled and casts his eyes about) I dunno why I said that.


69 - Int. Artificial Reality chamber

RIMMER taps more commands into the interface panel.


70 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

KOCHANSKI:
We're being framed...

Another jump-cut, and KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI have switched places.

KOCHANSKI:
Wait a minute, what's happening? I just said "we're being framed" and suddenly -

Yet another jump-cut - KRYTEN suddenly finds himself standing staring at the rear wall of the cockpit.

LISTER:
It just happened again! Everything we say's being -

Reality jump-cuts once more, returning KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI to their original positions.

KRYTEN:
Bananas.

LISTER:
If I say who I think's responsible for this it'll get cut too, so I'm not going to, but it's him. I know it's him, you can bet on it, and if I ever catch up to him, I'm gonna cut off both his b-

A reality jump-cut mercifully spares us the gory details of RIMMER’s fate.

LISTER:
- blunt knife.

CAT:
So how do we stop him?

KRYTEN:
If we're plugged into A.R. software there must be a 'trap door' built into the program somewhere to allow escape.

CAT:
You mean to help you get out if the program freezes?

KRYTEN:
Precisely. There'll be a cryptic clue around somewhere, something like a trap door or exit...

They begin to search around the cockpit.

CAT:
I got it! There's a button here with 'E' - 'eleven' - 'T' written on it.

The others stare at him blankly.

KRYTEN:
And?

CAT:
Eleven is 'XI' in Roman numerals. E - XI - T; 'EXIT'!

LISTER glances around incredulously.

LISTER:
He got that?

KRYTEN:
I think it proves, without a shadow of a doubt, this is not reality!

The two SKUTTERS applaud CAT from their corner of the cockpit.

KOCHANSKI:
Press it.

Smiling smugly, CAT reaches out and presses the button. As he does so, the picture elongates vertically, changes, then slides back into focus.


71 - Stop-motion animated sequence

The scene is a barren, snowy plain, below a clear blue sky. LISTER, CAT, KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI appear to be constructed from plasticene! CAT frustratedly waves his arms in juddering stop-motion.

CAT:
Now where are we?

He spins around, and more of the strange landscape is revealed. More barren plains, that is. Only a small igloo nearby breaks the monotony.

KRYTEN:
Well, somehow we've wound up in the screen saver!

Behind KRYTEN, CAT loses his footing on the snow, sliding across the ground and into the igloo, before thudding against its inner wall.

KOCHANSKI:
We need to locate a power source so we can switch the A.R. machine off.

LISTER is lying on his stomach, investigating a large circular hole.

LISTER:
A power source? A.R.? There has to be a clue around here somewhere. Maybe it's in this ice hole?

He peers down into the depths, and a huge plasticene shark suddenly rears up in front of him, growling in annoyance, and swallows LISTER whole. It slips back down into the water under the ice. Moments later it pops back out and unceremoniously spits LISTER from its throat, sending him sailing through the air, and lolls out a large tongue in disgust. CAT pops his head out of the igloo

CAT:
There's some food in here!

KOCHANSKI:
So?

CAT:
Including a bottle of ketchup...

He produces a large red bottle with a white label. On the label are the words 'Tomato Source', and a large black arrow.

LISTER:
So?

LISTER tries to dust off his coating of snow, and CAT waggles the bottle meaningfully.

CAT:
Power ketchup, get it?

KRYTEN:
What's to get?

CAT:
Power sauce!

LISTER:
Pity he's only smart when he's made out of plasticene..!

KOCHANSKI:
Press it!


72 - Int. Artificial Reality chamber

The A.R. program shuts down, the interface ports deactivate and the four regain consciousness. RIMMER desperately stabs buttons on the interface panel.

LISTER:
Ohhhh... ohhhh...

He hear RIMMER's efforts and glances up, noticing him.

LISTER:
You back-stabbin', weaselly smegger! You were trying to frame us!

RIMMER:
Listy! Just the man. Now, I know, at first glance, this may look bad -

He abandons the interface panel and waddles toward LISTER. Pheromones enhanced by the Sexual Magnetism virus waft out in search of susceptible targets, and find...

KOCHANSKI:
God, he's gorgeous...

RIMMER:
Ohh, hold her back, please, hold her, please! No more, no more!

KOCHANSKI:
Oh those nostrils! They're driving me crazy, I've simply got to have them!

KOCHANSKI advances on RIMMER. LISTER grabs her arm and digs in his heels.

LISTER:
Hold her back, Kryten! Help me!


73 - Int. Service elevator

RIMMER stumbles into an old service elevator, soon followed by the other four, who are dragged along by a horny KOCHANSKI.

KRYTEN:
Mister Cat, sir, put the lift on ‘hold’!

CAT breaks off from helping restrain KOCHANSKI and slaps the lift's ‘Hold’ button.

KOCHANSKI:
I want his babies!

LISTER:
The Luck virus, have you still got it? Take some! It'll cure the virus, and restore you both to normal.

RIMMER uncorks the Luck virus and takes a swig. Instantly, the sexually-charged pheromones discharged by the Sexual Magnetism virus dissipate and KOCHANSKI regains control of her basic instincts. She turns away, covering her face.

KOCHANSKI:
Oh god, that's so embarrassing...

LISTER:
What now, Holl?

He presses a stud on his watch, calling up HOLLY's image on the lift's communications viewscreen. The Dwarfers move to take places in the seats set against the lift walls.


74 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
No time to lose, you should head for the nearest one of these:

His image slides down the screen until only the top of his bald head is visible, blue lighting illuminates him and a starsfiel appears behind him.


75 - Int. Service elevator

LISTER:
You mean a moon?


76 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY’s image shoots back into its normal position and he grins happily.

HOLLY:
Exactly.


77 - Int. Service elevator

KRYTEN:
He's right. We can regroup there and continue our search for the nano's.

RIMMER:
What about me?

KRYTEN:
Well, suggest we persuade you to come with us, sir, or, failing that, we bludgeon you unconscious.

CAT:
Him, come with us? Are you out of your mind? That's so dumb I should've said it!

KRYTEN:
Well, Mister Rimmer has had access to the confidential files, sir. He knows all the security codes. Without him, our chances of escape are about as remote as meeting an interesting hairdresser called Kylie.

RIMMER:
Why would I want to take off with you lot? What have you got to offer?

KRYTEN:
Well, I'm very good at laundry, sir.

He smiles sincerely.


78 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
I do a damn fine moon impression.


79 - Int. Service elevator

CAT:
I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near.

KRYTEN:
And you know what they say, sir: "if you've got three good friends, you're a rich man".

RIMMER:
Only poor people say that.

CAT:
Forget it, he's not gonna change his mind.

KRYTEN:
He's right, time is of the essence. The crew will know we're out of A.R. now and are probably sending someone to investigate.

LISTER gets up and heads across the lift to sit beside RIMMER.

LISTER:
So, what's it to be?

RIMMER:
Look, if I leave I'm always going to be a failure. The shame of it. Every time I have a boiled egg, knowing I don't even outrank the toastie soldiers. I want to be an officer, a man of honour.

LISTER:
Officers aren't men of honour, they're headcases. Those induction pranks they play when you qualify?

RIMMER looks into the middle-distance, his eyes far-away.

RIMMER:
I've dreamt of that proud day for years now. As I wake up after the celebration party and find that my pubes are orange and I'm handcuffed to a goat. And, most hilarious of all, discovering someone's super-glued me to the rear of one of those rabbits that whizzes around greyhound tracks. Ahhhhhhh, those mad japes they play on you! I can't miss all that!

LISTER:
But that's not gonna happen for you now, man. Just like it didn't happen for the other Rimmer.


80 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
We're giving you a second chance at life, and an opportunity for you to screw it up in a new and original way.


81 - Int. Service elevator

KRYTEN:
You'll get your own seat in the cockpit, and you'll be in control of at least five buttons...

KOCHANSKI:
Krytie, don't be pathetic, he's hardly going to be impressed at the prospect of being in charge of a few buttons...

RIMMER:
Five, you say?

LISTER:
No more vending machine maintenance. No more getting heckled by drinks dispensers.

RIMMER:
That's five whole buttons?

KOCHANSKI:
A new start, a new life?

LISTER:
You'll wake up in the morning... you'll want to leap out of bed!

KRYTEN:
Well, in your case, Mister Lister, sir, that's because your sheets are full of pointy poppadum shards!

RIMMER:
Tell me more about these buttons; are some illuminated?

LISTER:
What do you say, man? The old Rimmer was a vital member of the team! He performed essential functions we've never replaced.

RIMMER:
What did he do?

LISTER:
I dunno, really. He, erm... he was, erm... he was, erm...

He looks around, hoping for someone to bail him out, but none of the others appear to have any ideas.

LISTER:
Ah! Head of Safety!

RIMMER:
"Head of Safety", that's a hell of a title!

His eyebrows raise, impressed, as he considers this. Then he frowns.

RIMMER:
But what did he actually do?

LISTER again glances away, thinking fast.

LISTER:
He sought out danger; he sought out peril. Then he advised us the best way to run away from it.

RIMMER:
Head of Safety; five buttons?

RIMMER weighs his options.

RIMMER:
I'm in!

CAT:
He's in? Let's celebrate! I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide!


82 - CGI/Model shot

In the hanger section of Red Dwarf's landing bay three Blue Midget craft are parked.


83 - CGI / Live action composite

Red Dwarf's landing bay. RIMMER enters, strides across the landing bay towards the hangar, checking behind him to make sure the others are still following. The four scurry along behind him, casting glances around to see if they've been spotted


84 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

The Dwarfers take their seats and begin powering up their Blue Midget


85 - CGI/Model shot

In the hangar area, the Blue Midget craft rises to its feet.


86 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

Working at his console, CAT suddenly notices the small viewscreen flicker into life, and does a double-take. It's the GROUND CONTROLLER, but not as we know her; she seems to have aged 30 years or so, most of them apparently spent eating.

GROUND CONTROLLER: (On viewscreen)
This is Ground Control.


87 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
You don't appear to have flight clearance.


88 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
You're the ground controller?


89 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
Please state your name and clearance code.


90 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT glances at LISTER in disgust.

CAT:
Reality sucks!


91 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
Your name's "Reality Sucks"?? (She laughs heartily) One second, Mister Sucks.


92 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT exchanges a worried glance with LISTER.


93 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
Just checking my clearance lists...


94 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

LISTER:
Look, just do another smegging dance and we'll get the hell out of here!

CAT:
Dance? With her I'd have trouble walking! Powering up!

He throws Blue Midget’s launching throttles into 'maximum lurch' and G-forces push them backwards as the ship charges.


95 - CGI/Model Shot

Blue Midget charges drunkenly along a launch tube, 'arms' flailing.


96 - Int. Ground Control station

GROUND CONTROLLER:
Come back Mister Sucks, come back!


97 - CGI/Model shot

Blue Midget speeds away from Red Dwarf.


98 - CGI/Model shot

Blue Midget heads off into space.


99 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

KOCHANSKI:
There's nothing on the scanner for a thousand mile radius... We're in the clear, guys!

LISTER:
Yes, oh yes!

KRYTEN:
I don't believe we are, ma'am...

CAT:
What's up?

KRYTEN:
According to the supplies inventory we're frighteningly low on... oh, and everyone was so happy, I can barely say it out loud...

RIMMER:
What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?

KRYTEN:
Worse! Fabric softener! Suggest we chart a course to the nearest derelict, the SS Einstein... before everyone's woolens get all bibbly-bobbly!

CAT:
Einstein? Wasn't he the dude who discovered America?

RIMMER:
Einstein discovered the Theory of Relativity.

CAT:
Where did he discover it? Was it fossilised, and stuff?

RIMMER:
(Draws in breath and prepares to lecture) The Theory of Relativity is... (He breaks off, eyes casting around for inspiration. Finally, he gives up) What is the Theory of Relativity?

LISTER looks up at the computer viewscreen above their heads.

LISTER:
Yeah, what is it, Holl?


100 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
Bit busy at the moment, Dave.


101 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

LISTER:
Well, just tell us what is is in, sort of, simple layman's terms.


102 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
It's a theory.


103 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

LISTER:
Yeah, but what is it?


104 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
Oh, you want it more complicated than that, do you?


105 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

LISTER:
What does it mean?


106 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
It's the Theory of Relativity. You know, it's the theory you only tell your relatives.


107 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

RIMMER:
It's so sad. Holly's supposed to have an I.Q. of 6000. Now, I doubt he could even spell I.Q.


108 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer senile, explain this then.


109 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

There is a pause. HOLLY does not elaborate.

CAT:
Explain what?


110 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
You can't, can you?


111 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

LISTER:
Explain what??


112 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
It's no good stalling, trying to buy time. If I'm so stupid, explain why I was able to re-create a new set of nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew.


113 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

All five stare up at the viewscreen

RIMMER:
What?

LISTER:
Eh?

KOCHANSKI:
What?

KRYTEN:
What?


114 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
I thought you'd be pleased.


115 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
But why?


116 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
My job is to keep Dave sane. True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my best. That's why I create these little diversions to keep him occupied.


117 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

LISTER:
But Holl, we could have wound up doing two years in the brig!


118 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
Still could. I've just worked it out, we're still in A.R.


119 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

ALL:
What?


120 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
In computer jargon: my plans have all gone tits-up.


121 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER is sat at his desk, watching events unfold on a large viewscreen on the wall at the opposite end of his office.


122 - Blue-framed computer viewscreen

This version of HOLLY his head elongated at the top, giving him a large forehead with texture mapping that warps strangely as his head moves up and down.


123 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLY:
(On viewscreen) I was out-thought, and out-manoeuvred.

LISTER:
(On viewscreen) Who by?


124 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
By a superior intellect.


125 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
You mean the hand-dryer in the men's toilets has outsmarted you again?


126 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
No, by that -


127 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLY:
(On viewscreen) - other version of me, the one on -


128 - Blue-framed computer viewscreen

HOLLY: (V.O.)
- Red Dwarf. This is -


129 - Computer viewscreen

HOLLY:
(On viewscreen) - still our trial.


130 - Int. Blue Midget cockpit

CAT:
Our trial?? Why didn't you say? If I'd have known, I'd have worn a tie!


131 - Int. Captain's office

As HOLLISTER finishes watching, the image of the A.R. simulation on the viewscreen is replaced by the image of Red Dwarf's HOLLY.

HOLLISTER:
Well, for me, Lister's nanobots story is corroborated. They were trying to track 'em down. Their actions in the psychotropically induced scenario bear that out.

RD HOLLY:
I agree Frank. I also believe we died, and were, indeed, resurrected.


132 - Computer viewscreen

RD HOLLY:
Again, borne out by their actions.


133 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
So, original charges: all innocent. But, its equally apparent that they used classified information from the crew's confidential files to their own ends. I suspected Rimmer had access the moment he walked into my office and began acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable.


134 - Computer viewscreen

RD HOLLY:
(Smiles) What a giveaway.


135 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
That's why I got him to lick one of the psychotropic envelopes when I invited him to dinner.


136 - Computer viewscreen

RD HOLLY:
So, abusing classified information. That's a fresh charge.


137 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
And on that, they're all guilty.


138 - Computer viewscreen

RD HOLLY:
That's a statutory sentence.


139 - Int. Captain's office

HOLLISTER:
I know. Two years in the brig.


140 - Computer viewscreen

RD HOLLY:
So, instead of the original charge and a possible sentence of two years in the brig -


141 - Int. Captain's office

RD HOLLY:
- they've been found guilty on another charge, and got an entirely different two years in the brig.


142 - Computer viewscreen

RD HOLLY:
That's going to be a great comfort to them. I'll bring them around, and break the news.


143 - Int. Artificial Reality chamber

LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT and KOCHANSKI are hooked up to the A.R. interfaces, and this time RIMMER occupies an interface point too. The simulation shuts down for real, the control sticks retracting into their housings, and the five of them regain normal consciousness

RIMMER:
This is reality? But how can we be sure?

CAT:
Why do we care? Nothing makes any sense no matter where we are.

LISTER:
Look, everything was real before we licked the envelopes, right? Then we conked out, and got carted off to A.R. Before we licked anything... before we licked anything... I lent you my Holly watch!

RIMMER:
So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it...


144 - Composite shot

Closeup of RIMMER's wristwatch, HOLLY's head is on the face.

HOLLY:
Oh yeah, this is reality, all right. I'd recognise it anywhere.


145 - Int. Artificial Reality chamber

KRYTEN:
Also, sir, shouldn't you have the viruses? Again, you found them on Starbug before we licked the envelopes.

RIMMER takes out the two test tubes to confirm, then holds up the blue Luck virus, studying the contents of the tube.

RIMMER:
The Luck virus; maybe we can still get out of this mess...

CAPTAIN HOLLISTER enters and swipes the Luck virus before RIMMER can react.

HOLLISTER:
I'll have that. The lab boys are gonna want to run tests on it.

Unseen, RIMMER surreptitiously hands the Sexual Magnetism virus to LISTER.

HOLLISTER:
Where's the other one?

RIMMER:
I'm afraid I lost it, sir.

HOLLISTER:
God damn it, Rimmer! I wanted that! Er, I mean, the lab boys wanted it, to, er, test it, too. Damn!

HOLLISTER leaves.

KOCHANSKI:
This is all your fault.

RIMMER:
My fault?

KOCHANSKI:
You betrayed us over that confidential files scam -

LISTER:
Stole the Sexual Magnetism virus -

KRYTEN:
You lied to us -

KOCHANSKI:
And generally behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little ratbag!

RIMMER:
And that's bad?


146 - Int. Holding cells

LISTER, RIMMER, CAT, KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI are all dressed in featureless grey jump-suits, and are lined up against a wall marked with height lines. Each holds a board on which is stencilled their prisoner number. HOLLY is on a mobile monitor, the board displaying his number sits on top of his monitor casing.

HOLLISTER (V.O.):
It is the finding of this enquiry that you have been found guilty of contravening Act Twenty-one of the Space Federation. Before sentencing, you will have medicals so you can be assigned appropriate prison status.

HOLLY:
I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I.


147 - Int. Elevator

Close up on control panel in the lift wall. Beside the buttons marked with floor numbers is an inset panel coloured with black and yellow chevrons and labelled "Authorised personnel only". A gloved hand enters the shot, inserts a key into a lock set into the panel and turns it, sliding open the cover of a previously hidden button. The button is marked with the number ‘13’. The gloved hand presses the button, which illuminates, then re-locks the cover.


148 - CGI/Model shot

The elevator speeds down its shaft.


149 - Int. Floor 13 penal colony

We look down from a ledge overlooking a vast cylindrical chamber. Walkways at various levels circle the chamber, and a group of people standing in lines can be made out at the bottom.


150 - Int. Floor 13 penal colony induction area

The five Dwarfers make their way uneasily between the ranks of hard-faced prisoners. RIMMER stands in the front-most line, LISTER in the row behind him, KRYTEN and CAT behind him somewhere, out of sight.

GOVERNOR:
Welcome to the Tank...

As the lines wait patiently, LISTER creeps up behind RIMMER, takes out the tube of Sexual Magnetism virus and sprinkles it liberally across RIMMER's shoulder before shuffling away. Unaware, RIMMER slowly begins to notice the inmates around him casting glances in his direction, then moving closer with disturbing smiles on their faces. As pairs of grimy hands begin to fasten around his body parts, RIMMER succumbs to panic and we fade out…


Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Annett (Kochanski), Norman Lovett (Holly), Mac McDonald (Captain Hollister), Graham McTavish (Governor), Yasmin Bannerman (1st Ground Controller), Jeillo Edwards (2nd Ground Controller), Karl Glenn Stimpson (MP Thornton)

Directed by Andy De Emmony

TX:
BBC2 - 4th March 1999

Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, Kochanski and Holly